Tribute for Mother's Day | She loved being called mommy.

 

May was Mom’s month. Her birthday and Mother’s Day sometimes fell on the same day or were close together. It was a double celebration for her every year.

This year, I will miss that double celebration. Her passing has left a big void.

I remember her with mixed feelings.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved her dearly, through all the good and the bad days. I feel sadness for what life did to her, gratitude for her guidance, and regret that she didn't always make things right with people. I also remember her happy times, like her loud laugh, funny songs, and dedication to family, her husband, and God.

As I watched her cope with chronic depression, I can now see how strong she was. When she would sink into darkness, she would always say, “I’m going to beat this.” Some days could get really bad for her, but she was always determined to win.

I’m sure when Mom married Dad, she had no idea what her life with him would become. I’m sure she didn’t imagine he would be a sheriff and a police chief. I’m sure she didn’t expect to raise her young family in a jailhouse. I’m sure she never envisioned cooking three meals a day for prisoners and serving them. I’m sure she never thought she would have to teach her young children about situational awareness because of all the threats we faced.

But she found her way. She eventually joined PTA, taught Bible class to the neighborhood kids, and taught beginner piano lessons.

Mom was a natural introvert. Being thrown into a fishbowl of public life was tough on her. I remember once as a small kid, her hanging up on a newspaper reporter. Boy, was she mad. No, it wasn’t easy growing up under a microscope. Everything we did was watched closely.

Living in the jailhouse, I think, was a bit much for her and for us kids. It tested her patience and understanding when it came to raising small children. We never knew what kind of mom we would be coming home to from school. On good days, she was happy, singing, playing the piano, and greeting us with, “How was school today?”

On her tough days, we might find a sad mom lying on the couch, ignoring everything around her, or an angry, upset mom yelling and maybe giving a smack or two. We were a handful, so we probably provoked it!

Now, when I look back, I totally understand everything, and with clarity.

Mom was a beautiful woman. I remember, as a kid, thinking my parents were the best-looking ever. They were simply an attractive couple. They had their bad days, but when they had fun, it was absolutely hilarious! My brother and I would just laugh and laugh at some of their silliness. Dad always knew how to crank up the shenanigans and would drag Mom into the funny stuff, too.

She was a stay-at-home mom who managed the household budget, which was difficult, and did the grocery shopping for the prisoners and us. Yes, it was quite an expedition to the grocery store. She did get reimbursed for each meal she cooked for the prisoners, like fifty cents per plate. Dad only made $500 a month as a sheriff, so the math was tough. This was the early 1960s, so you know, things were different then.

Her depression was like a roller coaster. She was thirty-five when she finally got a diagnosis for her condition. She had a chemical imbalance in her brain and was prescribed medication. Medication made life manageable. And for the most part, it worked.

She finally found a career in Physical Therapy after raising her family. I was so proud of her. I helped her prepare for her state exams. I never could have imagined she would go into that field. But it was a perfect fit for her!

She kept working until she retired. It was a somewhat early retirement. Dad and her mother died close together, and it pushed her into a deep depression. I remember visiting her house shortly after she got back from work one day. She was just sitting in a chair, staring off into space, unresponsive to my questions.

I managed to get her to say a few words and realized she could no longer handle going to work. It was too much for her, and she made it clear she didn’t want to go back. I called her boss to explain what was happening, and her boss had also noticed she was struggling. No two-week notice — she just immediately retired, and her boss was okay with it.

Soon after, I took charge of her affairs, making sure the bills were paid and she stayed on her medication, which was challenging. She depended on me to tell her when she wasn’t acting right. We faced some tough days together. Most people would have walked away, but I stayed committed. After all, she was my mother.

She eventually started attending the same church I went to, and we got to sit together during the service. She sang in the choir with her operatic voice, joined a Sunday school class, and participated in some of the events. She traveled with friends and family and was beginning to find her footing as a widow.

She always supported whatever I was doing and would attend some of my speaking events and book signings, or shop at my stores. Yes, shopping brought her the biggest thrill ever! She loved SHOPPING! She was a hoarder of all things new, and yes, I had to take a shovel to her house a few times. to dig her out! She was a girly girl and liked all things pretty, shiny, sparkly, and glitzy!! She always kept her hair, makeup, and nails done, loved jewelry, and enjoyed being around beautiful things.

She loved the arts and was an artist herself. She crocheted and embroidered to pass the time. She amassed a huge library over her lifetime; yes, she was an avid reader. Most of her collection showed an interest in autobiographies, history, and cookbooks! I have no idea how many cookbooks there were. A bunch! She even had an air-controlled room in the back of her garage for her overflow library.

As she aged, her mental health worsened, and her reactions to things became more intense. She wasn’t able to process situations properly and often overreacted. It became increasingly difficult to work with her. We finally had to add more medication to help stabilize her.

Her words grew harsher, but I knew it wasn't really my mom speaking. I would fondly remember who she had been to get me through the incident. My real mom was sweet, funny, loving, caring, and would never harm anyone. I had to remember her that way, not the one who was acting out.

Eventually, we had to place her in a nursing home because she was getting injured and not caring for herself. She needed emergency surgery to treat a severe infection, and then the doctor told us she wasn’t going home this time.

I knew I was going to face a tough challenge, maybe a fight, but in truth, she was so sick that she wasn’t fully aware of what was happening. The struggle happened later, but by then she was mostly accepting the situation.

I can truly say that the last 5 ½ years of her life, with her living in the nursing home, were the closest we've ever been, ever. 

We would talk forever, as if we were making up for lost time. We’d laugh, discuss current events, and she’d identify some old photos for me. She’d share stories from the past, including ones I’d never heard before. Like the story of some guy trying to take an ax to my dad! You know, just amazing stuff like that! Geez, law enforcement! The stuff we lived through.

We’d discuss the Bible, Jesus, and our homecomings. She truly loved the Lord. She genuinely listened to me when I shared my challenges and offered sincere, heartfelt advice. Not from a place of judgment, like in the past.

We were like besties. I would greet her with, “Well, hello, mommy!” and she’d smile really big. She would laugh at my jokes, my silly behavior, and my debraisms, which I am so famous for. We always ended our visits with “I love you” and by forming a heart with our hands. Then I would say, “Goodbye, mommy, see you soon!”  

I miss her so much.

Note: If you suffer from chronic depression, do not suffer alone or in silence. Reach out for help, surround yourself with those who are strong enough to help, keep you on track, check in on you, and advocate for you. Do not do it alone.

Debra Lee | Author & Keynote Speaker | Biz & Life Coach | DLBizServices.com

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