How to Respect Undeserving Parents

 

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

Exodus 20:12

     Exodus 20:12 is from the list of the Ten Commandments. And as people of the Christian faith know, the Ten Commandments are not suggestions, we are to obey them. This particular commandment is the only commandment with a promise attached to it...that you may live long. The meaning here is, that we would be more happy, useful, and virtuous if we obeyed our parents than if we disobeyed them.

But how can a person honor and respect undeserving parents? Are you a parent that your children can respect? And what actions can you take if you have already blown it with your children? Let’s explore.

Years ago, I had the privilege of running a boy’s ranch. With that, I had to read through many case files to determine if a child was a fit for our behavioral modification program. Many files contained information on run of the mill troubled children who displayed all kinds of disrespect to others and were labeled mostly as one who does not play well in sandbox.

Other files were filled with horrors. There were days when I would drive home from work with tears running down my cheeks and I would be incensed about what I had read in the files that day and the heinous ways parents would abuse their children.

Most of these children were destroyed after they had suffered abuses at the hands of their parents. They needed intensive medical care, intensive psychiatric care, behavioral care, and were left with scars that would affect them the rest of their lives. We see stories of child abuse in the news frequently, and believe me, there are a lot more abuses happening every day to children that are going unreported.

The big question is, how can someone who has lived through this kind of stuff ever heal enough to be able to forgive and respect their parents like the Bible asks us to do? Our souls scream out, “These parents are unworthy, they don’t deserve it!”

This may seem strange to some, but children of abuse and neglect will express how much they love their parents. This is called disorganized attachment where simultaneously there is a need of and a fear of their caregiver.

I’m sure that adult Christians, who are struggling with this kind of past, may have their stomachs churning a bit over this commandment. It’s not easy to honor and respect someone who has hurt you so badly. There might even be a tendency to want some pay back. Here are some Bible verses to help neutralize the thoughts of revenge. 1Peter 3:9, Matthew 5:44-47, Romans 5:8, Romans 12:19

Not all of these verses will be welcomed at first, not until some progressions towards healing have been made. Learning how to live righteously and doing what is right in God’s eyes will be hard. A good Christian therapist should be involved to help with the healing process.

To fulfill this commandment, you will need to forgive, but that does not mean that you will forget or that you have excused what your parent or parents did to you. You will need to honor them because God has asked you to, and then you will have to leave it up to God to take care of their punishment.

It takes a lot of courage to do this, it takes a lot of healing to do this, it takes a lot of forgiveness to do this, it takes a lot of God to do this. You must pray for the Holy Spirit to help you in the process and pray for strength to do so, daily.

Pick one of these helpful suggestions below to practice and start the process there. Each situation will be different and will determine where you start. Take into consideration any safety issues.

• Forgive their transgression
• Extend Mercy
• Share the Gospel
• Appreciate the good things
• Do something as an act of kindness
• Choose to speak kindly of them
• Consider writing a tribute
• Teach your children to respect their grandparents and extend mercy to them
• Pray for the parent who mistreated you
• Keep your parents connected to your family

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I was forty something when our only child started kindergarten. We were the oldest parents in the class! When I was at the school volunteering for different school activities I was shocked at how parents and children were interacting with each other. Definitely not like the days when I went to school!

I observed some real bad behaviors! Yelling, screaming, crying, cussing, disrespectful talk, and that was from the parents! I watched as parents swatted, yanked arms, pushed their children, slap their kids on the backs their heads. And to no surprise their children responded back to their parents in the same manner, disrespectful.

When my son was about four years old, he went off on a tangent one day. Standing in the middle of our living room he went to yelling at me. I don’t remember what he was yelling about, but I do remember how I handled it and how this outburst was used as a training moment for learning respect.

I stopped him mid-stream of his tantrum and asked him to go to his room for a time out. After four minutes of time out, I went to his room and found him lying on his bed. His demeanor was a bit more relaxed.

I sat next to him on his bed, and I calmly asked him one question. “Have I ever yelled at you, like you just yelled at me?” His bottom lip started to quiver as he responded, “No.” My next question was, “So what makes you think that you can yell at me like that?” The poor little guy went into tears and apologized for his behavior. He never yelled at me again, even though the teenage years!

I was not a yelling nagging mother! I always treated him with respect. I honored and validated his feelings, kept the lines of communication open, and valued his opinions, yet was a very firm mother. I was not his friend; I was his mother. He knew when I said something, I meant it. He tested me a few times and learned on the short end of things, that I was a person of my word.

Model the behavior that you want your children to have if you want them to honor and respect you.

Actions speak louder than words. They may never do what you say, but they will follow what you do. If you tell your child to tell the person who is phoning you that you are not home when you are, you are teaching them how to lie. Practice what you preach and do not have double standards. Always keep your word and be kind and respectful. Don’t pass down harsh punishments and exasperate. Be a parent who de-escalates situations and doesn’t poor fuel on them.

Regardless of what stage of parenting you are in, you can still make amends. (Hint: as long as you have children, you are parenting.) Regardless of their ages, you can apologize for your parenting mistakes.

I remember when I brought my son home from the hospital. I was in love with him. But I wasn’t really feeling attached to him yet. We were both new to each other! A couple of weeks in as a new parent, a friend called me to see how I was doing. I voiced a couple of concerns, then stated that the hospital had made a mistake. She inquired as to what that would be. I said they forgot to send home the instruction book!

Yep, no instruction book. And it kind of feels like that the whole time you are raising your children. Because children hit their benchmarks at different stages, have different personalities, different needs, combined with other possible influences, it would be impossible to write an instruction book for each child!  So, if you are a parent, give yourself a break! You are goanna’ make mistakes!

And without excuses, we need to also keep in mind that sometimes our actions can result in lasting damage to our children, intentional or not.

Some feel that it is a sign of weakness to ever apologize to anyone, and some feel that one would lose their parental authorities over their children if they were to ever apologize to them. False! Apologizing takes strength, it builds stronger relationships, it promotes well-being, and it will earn you currency in your respect account.  It also sets a great example for others to learn from, especially your children.

It is never too late to tell little Johnny that you are sorry that you lost your temper with him. It is never too late to apologize to Susy for witnessing mommy lie to a friend. It is never too late to tell your teenage daughter that you are sorry for wrongly judging a situation. It is never too late to tell your children that you made a mistake in how you mishandled something.

When apologizing and asking for forgiveness from children or even adult children, make sure you do it properly, and without including the word BUT.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up.” End of sentence.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up, BUT I was a single parent and had to do what I had to do.”

They don’t want to hear the BUTs from you. Their ears hear the BUTs as excuses. Let them use the BUT word when they are ready.

You might hear:

“But mom, I understand, you were doing your best to take care of all of us, while working several jobs, we understood why you didn’t have much time to spend with us.”

OR you may not get a response at all. The main thing is to validate what happened with each child without excuses for your actions, whether your intentions were good or not.

The expression of an apology may not be the time to ask for forgiveness. Depending upon the severity of the offense, they may need to have some time to process the apology first. Maybe at some point they will be ready for the forgiveness part and you will be able to offer up that request on their terms.

It is never too late to upgrade your parenting skills and earn respect in your respect account. Be a leader in this and begin making wiser choices by praying to God and asking for his help. He will reveal your weaknesses in your parenting skills. Let him walk with you and give you the strength you need as you recognize and admit your shortfalls, to him, to yourself, and to your children. Let your family see your strength as you ask for forgiveness and let them see your growth in the Lord as you learn new ways and learn how to lead better by example. 

Debra Lee, Author/ Keynote Speaker

Blogger/Biz Coach/Life Coach

Lecture Series From “Making Wise Choices…the most important life skill to master”

by Debra Lee

Cute but Deadly! A home remedy that works!

Oh, those squirrels! 

Our backyard is a menagerie of wildlife…because my husband keeps feeding all the critters! I really enjoy watching all of them, they do have some fun antics. We have birds, butterflies, fish, the occasional racoon, opossums, neighborhood cats, and” the squirrels.”

Because of the squirrels, we have held a lot of funerals in the backyard.

Items that met their demise range from seat cushions, pillows, plants, chairs, tables, and the mistaken for a tree (I’m sure) rails on the wood deck. It’s costly to keep replacing all this stuff!

Year after year, I have been disappointed in those cute menaces as they seek to get their teeth into everything! They can also get onery if my husband does not put out the food quick enough for them. They even go to the side garage door and stare in at him until he notices. Seriously, it’s hilarious to watch!

A few years ago, I watched a squirrel try to attack a chair cushion from below the chair. He got his teeth stuck in the stuffing and was trapped in midair, and with the wind blowing, he looked like a pinwheel spinning around and around! I was quite entertained watching him, okay, I was laughing at him. It took him quite a while to get loose, since I offered him absolutely no help. He made his escape and did so without the stuffing he came for!

This year, since I have the time now, I did some research and learned more about these teething critters and how to deter them from destroying things. It was either that or I was going to have to get out the sling shot. (Just kidding!!! I would never hurt one!)

I found out that their teeth continually grow, so they gnaw on stuff to keep their teeth filed down. Ok, so I get that, they can’t help themselves. Still not feeling sorry for them.

I also found out what they don’t like! Now we are getting somewhere! I finally have an arsenal to work with!

They don’t like coffee grounds! So, I put a layer of grounds on the top of the soil in my planters. No more digging in the pots and destroying plants! They also don’t like anything pungent.  Easy fix! I planted a few marigold flowers in the arrangements in the pots, so now they don’t eat the flowers that they are attracted to.

They don’t like Irish Spring Soap! Who knew! You can rub the bar of soap on the deck or other hard surface items to detour them.

Squirrels are known to be afraid of the color red. They dislike the color because it is the dominant hue of their greatest foe, the Red-Headed Woodpecker. Maybe re-decorate the deck in red?

You can also go to the store and buy a spray for squirrels. I didn’t want to do this, because I wanted to make sure that I am using a product that won’t harm. I dug a little deeper and found that I can make my own spray with three items that are found around the house! It is so simple, and it works!

Get a spray bottle. Fill it with 4 cups of water, (you might have to adjust the water a little less than 4 cups, according to the size of bottle you have) add 2 tablespoons of hot sauce and 3 drops of dish soap. Shake the bottle to mix. Liberally spray on furniture, deck, flowers/pots. I did it daily until I knew that I had everything covered. Now I use the spray two or three times a week. You should re-apply after it rains. DON’T SPRAY THE SQUIRRELS WITH THIS SOLUTION! I will hunt you down!

After you spray, wash your hands!!!! Okay, there’s a story here, you know what I did. I caught some of the spray because of our lovely wind and forgot to wash my hands. Stuck finger in eye.

I’ll leave you here laughing.

If all else fails, I can just put my cushions and flowers pots away, NOT! I will WIN!!!

Now, if I can figure out how to keep the neighborhood cat from spraying my basement window…ALL THE TIME! Gross!

 

Debra Lee, Author/Keynote Speaker

Blogger/Biz Coach/Life Coach

 

Getting Out of Your Own Way!

 

     Ya’ know, we women tend to get in our own way because we like to control everything in our lives!!! Now, if this is a news flash and a shock to you…sorry, not sorry!

We control the kids, the husbands (or we like to think we do), we control the household budget, we like to control those who intersect in our lives, and basically, we all just have O.C.D.!!! We have major control issues!!!!

There’s nothing scarier than a woman with O.C.D., P.M.S., and a bucket full of A.T.T.I.T.U.D.E.!

We think we are invincible and can handle anything and everything on our own, after all, we are SUPER WOMAN! We give birth after we have grown an entire human being inside of us, and we can multi-task like none other!

We can hold a baby in one arm, stir dinner with the other hand, while dealing with the school principal on the phone, because Johnny, yes Johnny…just saying that boy isn’t going to live past seven years old with all his shenanigans! We can make the momma stink eye and the long reach momma slap while gathering intel with the eyes in the back of our heads!  

We go to work, climb the proverbial ladder, break through glass ceilings, deal with harassment and don’t even make the same wages as our male counterparts. That song, “I am Woman” (I can bring home the bacon) by Peggy Lee has us all correctly summed up!!!

Yes, we are super women and yes, we are a very fine piece of work, created by our creator. We are very complex, with lots of emotions, and with lots of responsibilities.

We are blessed with these superpowers but sometimes these superpowers can work against us, making us our own best saboteurs.

I have sabotaged myself a few times over the years. And the thing is, I didn’t know I was doing it until someone pointed it out to me.

Back in the day, I had a major O.C.D. problem. I developed this control issue in my early twenties and by the time I had my child at the age of 38, the O.C.D. was in full bloom. Everything had to be perfect all the time. I had put very harsh demands on myself and had even developed a stringent diet for myself only allowing myself to eat 600 – 900 calories a day. The control issues also transferred over to how I treated others and how much I would allow others to help me.  If I didn’t think someone would do a project correctly, I just did it myself.

I know this sounds silly, but I even got down on the floor and combed the fringe on the throw rugs.  My control issues became like chains and very overwhelming.

Then one day, the reality of what I was doing to myself and to others came to a head. My mother was holding my infant son in her lap. She looked down at him, shook her head and stated, “I am so sorry that she is your mother.”

That was my wakeup call. I had been sabotaging relationships with family and friends and sabotaging relationships in my career. Up until that point, I hadn’t considered that a person could get much more done by using a teamwork approach instead of a dictatorship method.

In my many years of experience I have observed founders or heads of organizations and ministries get in their own way. And I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count.

They have gone as far as they can go with their knowledge, skills, and abilities, but refuse to let themselves be surrounded by people who can take the organization to the next level! It’s all about control, pride and ego, and their stubbornness keeps away exponential growth opportunities. They are cheating themselves, the organization, and others from using their giftedness!

Many times, I have been asked to start up ministry programs. I am a development person and I love doing this. But I am not so stupid as to think that I own that ministry, that I am the best for that ministry, and that there is no way anybody else can do it better than me!  I will get the program up and running, get people trained and get the program stable. Then I step aside and let someone else run with it and take it to the next level if that is what is needed.

Define and Change.

Let’s look at the perfectionist and define how they get in their own way and define obstacles for those who don’t necessarily have control issues. Don’t worry, I’ve included helpful tips for both types to inspire change!

How perfectionists get in their own way.

v Struggle to make decisions or act. Perfectionists are motivated to make the absolute best choice, even when doing so isn’t strictly necessary. It can lead to decision paralysis.

v Worry Excessively. They think deeply over and over about even the tiniest of mistakes. They can spend too much time on marginally productive activities before moving on.

v Avoid Challenges to Avoid Failure. For the most part, perfectionists tend to apply their extremely rigorous standards to only themselves. But there can be some leech through where the perfectionist also expects others to conform to their standards. This leaves the perfectionist hard to work with or deal with.

v Constantly thinking about weaknesses, mistakes, and failures. They are motivated to avoid small mistakes because making them are the triggers to constantly think about them. This can cause irritability, depression, and can disrupt the person’s performance and relationships.

How to change.

v Learn from Successes. Learning from failures can trigger a person, so learning from successes can help with balance and faster decision making. One way to help with this, for example, when working on a project, list five criteria that are important to the perfectionist and allow themselves to be okay if four out of the five criteria are met. It’s a way of retraining the brain and helps with other productive behaviors, i.e., spending 30 minutes returning an unsatisfactory low value item to a store, when they could be doing something more productive. It’s about relearning how to prioritize.

v Ask oneself how to improve 1%.  This is a helpful approach when you are prone to overcomplicate solutions to problems. Because being flawless is an issue, being able to see how one can improve behavior by 1% each day makes it easy and not as demoralizing for the person.

v Learn strategies to disrupt the rumination sequence. When a perfectionist starts to mull over something, over and over, stop, pause, and ask if obsessing over it is really helping.  When thoughts are going in circles it is not problem solving and it can put a person in a bad mood.

Let’s look at other ways people end up getting in their own way.

v Poor People Skills. A person can get away with mistakes if they are socially intelligent and are liked by people.

v Negative Attitude.

v “A Bad Fit”. Are you in a situation that is simply a bad fit all the way around? I’ve always said that if I find myself in a situation that is not working for me, I change it.

v Lack of Focus.

v A Weak Commitment. Apathy is not chic!!! Effort and Commitment is in style!

v An unwillingness to CHANGE.

v A Shortcut Mindset. We live in a world of instant gratification. And it is sad. No one wants to put in the effort, and they give up. A short road to success never pays off.

v Relying on Talent Alone. Talent alone is overrated. It’s important but it will only take you so far. A strong work ethic added to talent is like pouring gasoline on a fire…it’s explosive!

v A Response to Poor Information. Don’t make weighty decisions based on limited amounts of information. Gain reliable information by doing your homework.

v No Goals! A major cause of getting into one’s own way is the lack of goals.

v Waiting for things to happen automatically. Hmmm…

v Expecting to Please Others. One of the things I’ve always said, and I even wrote it in my book is, what others think of me is none of my business. If you like what you are doing, you’ll like yourself. If you like yourself, you will be more relaxed, calm, inspired and happy.

v Acting as if you can change others. WHY?? If you are wanting changed behaviors from another, you must earn the other person’s respect.

v Act on Impulse. Means acting without thought.

v Overestimate what thought can do. “I have to keep thinking about this until, I’m sure.” You need to act and experiment, then you will know for sure.

v Expect things to stay the same.

v Expect things to change.

v Thinking that being kind, nice and reasonable should lead to the same behaviors from others.

v Your Thinking May be off. Nothing is wrong with you that corrective thinking cannot change. Your thinking might be messed up, not you.

How to get out of your own way.

v Just pull the trigger. Just start.

v Do one thing at a time. Focus on one thing, one project and get it right, then move to the next thing.

v Don’t be afraid of Failure. Do your best but know that failure is a necessary part of the process. That’s how we learn and improve. The last time you failed, did you stop trying because you failed, or did you fail because you stopped trying? Failure doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed, it just means that it might take a little longer. Don’t Give Up!

v Be Consistent.

v Choose your Friends Wisely.

v Systematize everything. Free up your brain space for bigger and better thinking by taking decision-making out of the processes. Put structure and systems in place to make life easier. For example, automatic bill pay or invoicing systems.

v Reflect on your Influence. Working on your goals might trigger someone else to do the same.

v Connect Daily with your WHY.

v Have a DAILY mindset practice. Get into your head and sort it out daily! Work through resistance and fear.

v Make personal development a priority! Work on it! Take fun classes, get a life coach, exercise, learn something new!

v Step back and check in with your purpose. Make sure you are still on track.

v Invest in yourself and your dream.

v Ask for Help!!! No shame!

Getting out of your own way takes recognition that you are doing it, the willingness to change and practice with the new tools you have been given!  It doesn’t happen overnight, so be patient with yourself. I had to do it in baby steps. For instance, one of the first things I did was get rid of all the fringed rugs!!

Debra Lee, Author/Keynote Speaker

Blogger/ Biz Coach/Life Coach

"It Is What It Is...But It Wasn't A Tragedy" & "Making Wise Choices...the most important life skill to master"

Top Questions for the book “It Is What It Is…But It Wasn’t A Tragedy”

 TOP QUESTIONS!

     I have had a lot of interesting conversations with folks since the release of my autobiography in 2013. I have been asked all kinds of questions about what took place behind the scenes and all kinds of personal questions about my life. I get asked frequently if I would write a book for someone, instead of them doing it themselves or would I guide others on how to start writing a book. Then there’s the question as to why I choose to put all of it out there for the public to read about.

There are some things that everyone asks about, then there are a few questions that are unique, and then there are “those special kind of questions” that stump me, and I must stop and think about them for a bit before I give an answer!

Most are sincere questions, others are nosy questions, and some questions are the give-me-the-skinny-gossip-type questions, to which I refuse to answer.

We all know that by asking questions we learn. Since my autobiography is all about life lessons and sharing my experiences with others to learn from, I genuinely appreciate all the questions that do come my way.

The following are some of the top questions that I receive for this book.

 Q: Why didn’t you use names in your autobiography?

 A: This has been the number one question asked. I didn’t use names in the book for many reasons. You will on occasion find a name for a person or place, but I intentionally did not use a lot of names in the book. Here are the main reasons:

 

·    This is not a “tell all” book. That was not my intent and some of the folks I have written about want to remain private.

·        There are some people who are still alive who may wish to do me or my family harm. Only they will recognize who they are in the book.

·        And lastly, to avoid any lawsuits for possible slander.

Q: Was that me in your book?

A: Some people have read the book and think that they have recognized themselves and will ask if that was them that I had written about. Most of the time, it wasn’t them, and besides, I really do not divulge my resources! J

Q: Did you ever feel safe growing up in the jailhouse?

A: For the most part, my parents did a great job in protecting us kids as best as they could. I would say that most days I did feel safe, but there were a lot of days when I did not feel accepted by my peers or by the adults in my life. I don’t ever remember being truly afraid of the prisoners in our care, but there were a few times when I was scared stiff by different incidents that had occurred.

Q. It is so hard to understand how you were badly treated as a small child by the community you grew up in. Was that the way the community was, or was it because it was a small community?

A. Great question! I have visited with several people from that community who have read my book. To be quite honest they were totally clueless as to what was going on. In answer to your question, I think it was just a few unhappy people who really could not see the face of a small child as they hurled out their ugliness that should have been directed elsewhere.

The community was a good community. From our view, we frequently saw the ugly side of it.

 Q. How did learning to lock up your feelings as a small child help or hurt you as you grew up?

A. This question is about my grandfather’s funeral when I was six years of age. My grandmother’s outburst of raw pure grief at the service had quite an effect on me and I decided to never show my emotions in public.

I trained myself from that young age to be in control of my emotions. I don’t think this was a healthy thing to do. But at the same time, I was also being groomed in that direction as well. Because we lived in a fishbowl, we had to always take care in how we behaved or acted in front of other people in public. You never knew who was watching, what would make headlines, or how information could be used against us.

How did my control issue help? Well, it has helped me out of a lot of dangerous situations by my being able to stay calm, cool, and collected.

How has it hurt? It oftentimes put space between me and others. I don’t allow myself to get too close because past experiences proved painful. Some people, who haven’t taken the time to get to know me, have oftentimes pre-determined that I am hard, cold, stuck up, and unreachable. I have even been told that I have the work ethics of a man. (I was told that as a slam) But they didn’t really know me and how crazy I really am!!!

No question is a bad question, so if you have read the book and are curious about something, send in your questions! Use the online form to submit.

Debra Lee, Author/Keynote Speaker

Blogger/Biz Coach/Life Coach

“It Is What It Is…But It Wasn’t A Tragedy” & “Making Wise Choices…the most important life skill to master.”

 

When they are stepping on your last nerve!

 

 

(From Blog Posted September 7th, 2019)

     I used to be that person who would get very frustrated with other people and would constantly find myself in a state of anger and disappointment. I still get that way sometimes, but I have grown to have a different appreciation for other’s differences and have developed a healthy characteristic of patience. I say healthy, because sometimes patience can be used as an excuse to not deal with uncomfortable situations when it is needed.

Life got a little bit easier for me when I finally learned to accept people for who they were and when I asked Jesus to help me see people through His eyes. I finally realized that not all people work and operate from the same state of mind as myself, that they come from different backgrounds and influences making them who they are, they are all in a different place spiritually, and that they think differently about different topics – and it’s ok! We can learn from each other’s differences and experiences whether good, bad, or ugly!

Getting to know people for who they are, and what their heart songs are, has helped me to become more relational, more understanding, and more intuitive when having to deal with those ‘last nerve’ situations. I handle those frustrations with a bit more maturity now.

Another thing that has helped, is to recognize that no one is perfect and that I’m a hot mess myself!

Jesus came to the world for the sinners. And by the way, we are all qualified. Timothy, a friend of the Apostle Paul, nailed it perfectly when he said, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save the sinners – of whom I am the worst.” (Timothy 1:15) Timothy was a probably a teen when he became a student of the Apostle Paul and Paul knew that Timothy would accomplish great things in God’s service. Timothy was one of the early evangelists and within his statement we can see how humble he was in his recognition of being a hot mess at its worst.

I am so grateful that my tribe is not perfect. I am so grateful that my husband is not perfect either because he would never have picked me to be his wife, for sure.

Living grateful!

Debra Lee

Author/Keynote Speaker/Life Coach/Biz Coach/Blogger

Books: "Making Wise Choices" & "It Is What It Is"