“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
Exodus 20:12
Exodus 20:12 is from the list of the Ten Commandments. And as people of the Christian faith know, the Ten Commandments are not suggestions, we are to obey them. This particular commandment is the only commandment with a promise attached to it...that you may live long. The meaning here is, that we would be more happy, useful, and virtuous if we obeyed our parents than if we disobeyed them.
But how can a person honor and respect undeserving parents? Are you a parent that your children can respect? And what actions can you take if you have already blown it with your children? Let’s explore.
Years ago, I had the privilege of running a boy’s ranch. With that, I had to read through many case files to determine if a child was a fit for our behavioral modification program. Many files contained information on run of the mill troubled children who displayed all kinds of disrespect to others and were labeled mostly as one who does not play well in sandbox.
Other files were filled with horrors. There were days when I would drive home from work with tears running down my cheeks and I would be incensed about what I had read in the files that day and the heinous ways parents would abuse their children.
Most of these children were destroyed after they had suffered abuses at the hands of their parents. They needed intensive medical care, intensive psychiatric care, behavioral care, and were left with scars that would affect them the rest of their lives. We see stories of child abuse in the news frequently, and believe me, there are a lot more abuses happening every day to children that are going unreported.
The big question is, how can someone who has lived through this kind of stuff ever heal enough to be able to forgive and respect their parents like the Bible asks us to do? Our souls scream out, “These parents are unworthy, they don’t deserve it!”
This may seem strange to some, but children of abuse and neglect will express how much they love their parents. This is called disorganized attachment where simultaneously there is a need of and a fear of their caregiver.
I’m sure that adult Christians, who are struggling with this kind of past, may have their stomachs churning a bit over this commandment. It’s not easy to honor and respect someone who has hurt you so badly. There might even be a tendency to want some pay back. Here are some Bible verses to help neutralize the thoughts of revenge. 1Peter 3:9, Matthew 5:44-47, Romans 5:8, Romans 12:19
Not all of these verses will be welcomed at first, not until some progressions towards healing have been made. Learning how to live righteously and doing what is right in God’s eyes will be hard. A good Christian therapist should be involved to help with the healing process.
To fulfill this commandment, you will need to forgive, but that does not mean that you will forget or that you have excused what your parent or parents did to you. You will need to honor them because God has asked you to, and then you will have to leave it up to God to take care of their punishment.
It takes a lot of courage to do this, it takes a lot of healing to do this, it takes a lot of forgiveness to do this, it takes a lot of God to do this. You must pray for the Holy Spirit to help you in the process and pray for strength to do so, daily.
Pick one of these helpful suggestions below to practice and start the process there. Each situation will be different and will determine where you start. Take into consideration any safety issues.
- Forgive their transgression
- Extend Mercy
- Share the Gospel
- Appreciate the good things
- Do something as an act of kindness
- Choose to speak kindly of them
- Consider writing a tribute
- Teach your children to respect their grandparents and extend mercy to them
- Pray for the parent who mistreated you
- Keep your parents connected to your family
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I was forty something when our only child started kindergarten. We were the oldest parents in the class! When I was at the school volunteering for different school activities I was shocked at how parents and children were interacting with each other. Definitely not like the days when I went to school!
I observed some real bad behaviors! Yelling, screaming, crying, cussing, disrespectful talk, and that was from the parents! I watched as parents swatted, yanked arms, pushed their children, slap their kids on the backs their heads. And to no surprise their children responded back to their parents in the same manner, disrespectful.
When my son was about four years old, he went off on a tangent one day. Standing in the middle of our living room he went to yelling at me. I don’t remember what he was yelling about, but I do remember how I handled it and how this outburst was used as a training moment for learning respect.
I stopped him mid-stream of his tantrum and asked him to go to his room for a time out. After four minutes of time out, I went to his room and found him lying on his bed. His demeanor was a bit more relaxed.
I sat next to him on his bed, and I calmly asked him one question. “Have I ever yelled at you, like you just yelled at me?” His bottom lip started to quiver as he responded, “No.” My next question was, “So what makes you think that you can yell at me like that?” The poor little guy went into tears and apologized for his behavior. He never yelled at me again, even though the teenage years!
I was not a yelling nagging mother! I always treated him with respect. I honored and validated his feelings, kept the lines of communication open, and valued his opinions, yet was a very firm mother. I was not his friend; I was his mother. He knew when I said something, I meant it. He tested me a few times and learned on the short end of things, that I was a person of my word.
Model the behavior that you want your children to have if you want them to honor and respect you.
Actions speak louder than words. They may never do what you say, but they will follow what you do. If you tell your child to tell the person who is phoning you that you are not home when you are, you are teaching them how to lie. Practice what you preach and do not have double standards. Always keep your word and be kind and respectful. Don’t pass down harsh punishments and exasperate. Be a parent who de-escalates situations and doesn’t poor fuel on them.
Regardless of what stage of parenting you are in, you can still make amends. (Hint: as long as you have children, you are parenting.) Regardless of their ages, you can apologize for your parenting mistakes.
I remember when I brought my son home from the hospital. I was in love with him. But I wasn’t really feeling attached to him yet. We were both new to each other! A couple of weeks in as a new parent, a friend called me to see how I was doing. I voiced a couple of concerns, then stated that the hospital had made a mistake. She inquired as to what that would be. I said they forgot to send home the instruction book!
Yep, no instruction book. And it kind of feels like that the whole time you are raising your children. Because children hit their benchmarks at different stages, have different personalities, different needs, combined with other possible influences, it would be impossible to write an instruction book for each child! So, if you are a parent, give yourself a break! You are goanna’ make mistakes!
And without excuses, we need to also keep in mind that sometimes our actions can result in lasting damage to our children, intentional or not.
Some feel that it is a sign of weakness to ever apologize to anyone, and some feel that one would lose their parental authorities over their children if they were to ever apologize to them. False! Apologizing takes strength, it builds stronger relationships, it promotes well-being, and it will earn you currency in your respect account. It also sets a great example for others to learn from, especially your children.
It is never too late to tell little Johnny that you are sorry that you lost your temper with him. It is never too late to apologize to Susy for witnessing mommy lie to a friend. It is never too late to tell your teenage daughter that you are sorry for wrongly judging a situation. It is never too late to tell your children that you made a mistake in how you mishandled something.
When apologizing and asking for forgiveness from children or even adult children, make sure you do it properly, and without including the word BUT.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up.” End of sentence.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up, BUT I was a single parent and had to do what I had to do.”
They don’t want to hear the BUTs from you. Their ears hear the BUTs as excuses. Let them use the BUT word when they are ready.
You might hear:
“But mom, I understand, you were doing your best to take care of all of us, while working several jobs, we understood why you didn’t have much time to spend with us.”
OR you may not get a response at all. The main thing is to validate what happened with each child without excuses for your actions, whether your intentions were good or not.
The expression of an apology may not be the time to ask for forgiveness. Depending upon the severity of the offense, they may need to have some time to process the apology first. Maybe at some point they will be ready for the forgiveness part and you will be able to offer up that request on their terms.
It is never too late to upgrade your parenting skills and earn respect in your respect account. Be a leader in this and begin making wiser choices by praying to God and asking for his help. He will reveal your weaknesses in your parenting skills. Let him walk with you and give you the strength you need as you recognize and admit your shortfalls, to him, to yourself, and to your children. Let your family see your strength as you ask for forgiveness and let them see your growth in the Lord as you learn new ways and learn how to lead better by example.
Regardless of what stage of parenting you are in, you can still make amends. (Hint: as long as you have children, you are parenting.) Regardless of their ages, you can apologize for your parenting mistakes.
I remember when I brought my son home from the hospital. I was in love with him. But I wasn’t really feeling attached to him yet. We were both new to each other! A couple of weeks in as a new parent, a friend called me to see how I was doing. I voiced a couple of concerns, then stated that the hospital had made a mistake. She inquired as to what that would be. I said they forgot to send home the instruction book!
Yep, no instruction book. And it kind of feels like that the whole time you are raising your children. Because children hit their benchmarks at different stages, have different personalities, different needs, combined with other possible influences, it would be impossible to write an instruction book for each child! So, if you are a parent, give yourself a break! You are goanna’ make mistakes!
And without excuses, we need to also keep in mind that sometimes our actions can result in lasting damage to our children, intentional or not.
Some feel that it is a sign of weakness to ever apologize to anyone, and some feel that one would lose their parental authorities over their children if they were to ever apologize to them. False! Apologizing takes strength, it builds stronger relationships, it promotes well-being, and it will earn you currency in your respect account. It also sets a great example for others to learn from, especially your children.
It is never too late to tell little Johnny that you are sorry that you lost your temper with him. It is never too late to apologize to Susy for witnessing mommy lie to a friend. It is never too late to tell your teenage daughter that you are sorry for wrongly judging a situation. It is never too late to tell your children that you made a mistake in how you mishandled something.
When apologizing and asking for forgiveness from children or even adult children, make sure you do it properly, and without including the word BUT.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up.” End of sentence.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up, BUT I was a single parent and had to do what I had to do.”
They don’t want to hear the BUTs from you. Their ears hear the BUTs as excuses. Let them use the BUT word when they are ready.
You might hear:
“But mom, I understand, you were doing your best to take care of all of us, while working several jobs, we understood why you didn’t have much time to spend with us.”
OR you may not get a response at all. The main thing is to validate what happened with each child without excuses for your actions, whether your intentions were good or not.
The expression of an apology may not be the time to ask for forgiveness. Depending upon the severity of the offense, they may need to have some time to process the apology first. Maybe at some point they will be ready for the forgiveness part and you will be able to offer up that request on their terms.
It is never too late to upgrade your parenting skills and earn respect in your respect account. Be a leader in this and begin making wiser choices by praying to God and asking for his help. He will reveal your weaknesses in your parenting skills. Let him walk with you and give you the strength you need as you recognize and admit your shortfalls, to him, to yourself, and to your children. Let your family see your strength as you ask for forgiveness and let them see your growth in the Lord as you learn new ways and learn how to lead better by example.
Debra Lee, Author/ Keynote Speaker
Blogger/Biz Coach/Life Coach
Lecture Series From “Making Wise Choices…the most important life skill to master”
by Debra Lee
This was a loving instruction. I hope you will say more about self care for those living with disorganized detachment. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading the article. I hope it helps anyone who needs it. I am sure I will have more to say on the topic in later articles. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteDebra