Healing from Divorce & Why Some Women Don't Trust the Church

One thing to note before reading this blog, I am not advocating for divorce. I want to make this very clear.

     Some of the latest information obtained on the divorce rate for couples who regularly attend church is the same as, and in some cases, higher than the divorce rate for unchurched couples.  

I remember one time when a friend came to me all in an uproar over her husband. She was telling me that she was going to divorce him. Her rant went on and on with all her complaints about him. Even though I was listening, my inner self was screaming, “put on your big girl panties young lady!” Everything she was saying was really…petty stuff. So, I had to speak truth to her. She didn’t realize the blessing that she had. I told her to go back to her wonderful Christian husband and figure out how to make it work!

With this blog, I simply want to bring attention to some issues that I have discovered through years of working with, having conversations with, and comforting abused women. Having been in an abusive relationship or two myself in the past, I have been a bit passionate about this subject. I give a portion of my book sales annually to the WIN organization, Women’s Initiative Network, a non-profit that helps women gain employment and education after they have left abusive relationships.

The following two verses come to my mind when I think about marriage:

Mark 10:9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Matthew 19:6 “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

These two verses talk about “what God has joined together”. My first few questions to ponder upon are these:

·   Because a wedding took place in a church building, an ordained minister performed the ceremony, the people are all happy, the venue is gorgeous, the smell of flowers fill the air along with the wedding music, it all looks good and perfect, and legal papers are signed, does it always mean that God has joined the couple in union?

·        Or did the couple join themselves without really considering God in the decision at all?

·        Or maybe unbeknownst to one of the persons in the union, the other person was a pretender, and a very good pretender? 

·        Did God really join the union when there was evil intent working behind the scenes all along by one of the parties?

I’ve been told about the pretenders and have been around the pretenders. In some cases, my radar stood straight up like goosebumps before the couple got married. These are men who look for good Christian women to marry with some type of an ulterior motive. They will go to church, get really involved, put on the show of being a good Christian, they are charismatic, charmers, learn the Christian lingo, say all the right things, have knowledge of scripture, can quote it, all under the guise of finding a woman who is deep in her faith to marry. They can spend a lot of time planning and doing this. This type of pretender knows that after he has a woman captured into a marriage, her faith will keep her from leaving the marriage and his abuses.

After my first book had been out for a while, I found that women felt that they could be very open with me about sharing personal things that had happened to them in their own lives. Some were very painful experiences leaving many scars for each person to live with, both physically and mentally. One of the most common themes that was talked about was that of divorce and how it had affected their lives. In some of these cases, I had known the person for quite some time and I would never have guessed that they had even lived through a messy, very painful, and in some cases, a dangerous divorce.

I found, through these conversations, that most women had never told anyone in their current church that they had even had a divorce in their past.  The shame and embarrassment that they felt for living in a marriage based upon lies and abuses was overwhelming, and they didn’t want people to know about it.

I heard stories of men living double lives, having wives and families in two states, men who were living a secret life of crime, having affairs, and more.

Wonderful God fearing Christian women have had the most unexpected things happen to them! They thought they had married correctly. They thought they had followed the rules. They thought they were living right and were totally blindsided by shocking events that took place.

And what makes this even worse is that they thought that they had no one in the church to help them get through the hurt and the pain. Why? Why was the church not a place for healing?

As many reported to me, immediately they were judged and shunned by those attending their church, they were looked down upon, were made to feel shame and less than. They were outcasts, in some cases, they could feel the sting of being stared at. They knew about the rumors, they knew how people were talking about them, and some even experienced the feeling of being pitied to death.

Parishioners and pastors would say insensitive things like: “What did you do wrong.” “You must not have loved him good enough.” “You should never divorce, now go back in there and make it work, somehow.” Or, “Christ must not have been in your marriage.” These insults only heaped more on to their pain.

One women had been abandoned and never divorced her husband for fear of what the church would do to her. If there was not a paper trail or any legal actions towards a divorce, she would be allowed stay in the church and not be kicked out. She found herself a single mom with no means of support and had a bus load of children to raise without the help of child support. No court actions, no child support. The church was poor and didn’t really offer her much help either in raising her children.  She never saw her husband again and twenty years later she finally became a single person because he had passed. Her pain ran very deep. Betrayal by her husband, and basically betrayal by her church.

The Church Language

Many women never return to church after a divorce because they say that they cannot trust the male authorities. As history shows, male authorities have for many decades, and centuries, used language that is very damaging and unsupportive for women, especially towards women who are leaving a marriage because of violence. The scriptures only list two reasons for a divorce, abandonment and adultery, and It doesn’t specifically say anything about divorcing for reasons of abuse. (Even though the Bible is full of scriptures on how to properly care for, protect, and love one another, and more scriptures on how a husband is to love his wife.) Unfortunately, scriptures are often misused and abused by husbands and some of the Church’s interpretations have been used for abusive purposes as well.

I did some research on modern day church language concerning divorce due to abuse. The following statements are real and come from various churches:

Ø Spousal abuse should be dealt with by temporary separation and church marriage counseling designed to bring about reconciliation between the couple. But to qualify for that separation, your spouse must be in the “habit of beating you regularly,” and not be simply someone who “grabbed you once.” (My question, how many beatings would have to take place to qualify as regularly?)

Ø An unremitting message to women of “submission, submission, submission” so that they will not be women who will want to “rule over men.” This church tells couples to attend joint marriage counseling under lay ministry leaders, with no specific training for abuse survivors, and offers a prescription of submission and headship, often telling women to learn to submit “better.”

Ø Women often bring abuse on themselves by refusing to submit. Submission is so essential to God’s plan that it must be followed even to the point of allowing abuse. When God puts you in subjection to a man whom he knows is going to cause you to suffer, it is with the understanding that you are obeying God by enduring the wrongful suffering. 

Ø “Leave while the heat is on,” but only with the intention of returning to the marriage when the violence has cooled. (My thought, anyone with a lick of sense knows that, in a violent marriage, the heat is never really off. Everything can be fine one minute, and the next minute you’re dead.)

Ø Divorces will be treated as either an old pre-conversion sin if it happened before they were saved or forgiven as a repented sin if it happened post-salvation, but the mature Christians must admit that their divorce “was more for [their] own selfishness than any other reason.” (even if the woman leaves because of abuse, she was being selfish.)

Ø Teaches that women are the completers of men, and that therefore God created wives for the sole purpose of completing their husbands. Since the wife’s job is to complete the husband anywhere he is incomplete, wives are supposed to already know what he wants/needs. (In other words, it is your fault if you get beat for not knowing what he needs.)

Ø The issue of submission always arises in church discussions of domestic violence, “subtly reminding women of their duty to maintain a submissive attitude toward their husbands.” And that “wifely unsub mission is the cause of domestic abuse.”

In all these cases there is an undue emphasis on female submission and too little emphasis on the husband’s duty to protectively lead his wife. The scriptures are very clear on how a husband is to love his wife.

There isn’t a woman on this earth who wouldn’t submit to a husband willingly if they were being honored like his queen! A husband should give his wife the impression that she is the finest in the land. In 1 Peter 3:7, the apostle links this with our salvation and with our relationship with God. It is that important!

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Your prayers will be hindered and may go unanswered if you do not treat your spouse in the way the Bible so eloquently describes a Christian marriage.

The National Network to End Domestic Violence reports that THREE women die each day because of domestic violence. ONE woman in FOUR experiences domestic violence in her lifetime.

Research has found that Christian women often stay in abusive situations several years longer than secular abused women because they are devout believers and are more bound by their desire to obey God. Christians are taught to forgive, so Christian victims put pressure on themselves to stay, submit, pray, forgive, and forget the previous abuse. They end up with a scriptural dilemma because of how they were taught to believe.

The Church role is to offer help and hope in the restoration and healing process of the divorced person. Unfortunately, many churches are ill-equipped.

Divorced people need to be accepted and loved. Many of them feel rejected because their spouse left them for someone else. They lose their self-worth, self-esteem, and self-values. Love and acceptance will help them offset those feelings. Accepting a divorced person doesn’t mean you accept divorce. Jesus loves people and sinners, but he hates sin. Work with the divorced by loving them through the tough stuff.

There are some helpful ways to help a friend heal from divorce:

BE AVAILABLE: Make time for your friend, listen, let them know you care, be a strong support system.

BE SUPPORTIVE: Help them find a good Christian counselor, accompany to court dates, sit with your friend in church, surprise with gifts.

BE UNDERSTANDING: Grief takes time to overcome. Love your friend unconditionally, listen for suicide ideations, discern “tough love” when needed.

BE USEFUL: Help create a financial budget, help find a job, fill the freezer with casseroles or easy fix meals.

DON’T: Lend money unless you are OK with never getting it back, give advice unless asked, bash the former spouse, share details with others, visit places that trigger memories, fix your friend up with a date, recite religious cliché’s, assume your friend still feels welcome at church. Often those ostracized by the church during divorce, leave forever.

Be ready to help your friend when words are spoken by insensitive bystanders. Words like, “It takes two. You must have done something to drive him to another woman,” or “It takes two to get married, but only one to get divorced.” Those kinds of remarks are a stabbing pain that will always be remembered. I still remember to this day the insensitive remarks that were said to me, even though most folks were extremely happy that I got away with my life and sanity!

Really encourage your friend to attend a Christian recovery group. They are safe havens to form new friendships and discover an identity in Christ, not in a spouse. Your friend can find the support and comfort they need from a healthy group designed for healing the wounds of divorce.  

Here is a list of things that your friend can do to help themselves with the healing process:

Ø Acknowledge the loss. After the shock, it is easy to go into denial.

Ø Accept the pain as being normal, accept and own their responsibility and part in the divorce, accept the situation.

Ø Allow time to heal. A broken heart takes longer to heal than a broken bone.

Ø Allow yourself permission to mourn.

Ø Stick with God’s Plan. Know what the Bible says about the character and behavior of godly men and women, and only seek people who are clearly living in line with the Bible’s directives.

Ø Get into a Christian support group.

Ø Realize failure is never final and the only real failure is not to get up one more time!

Ø Use the pain for motivation to grow and become a better person.

Ø Forgive to be free. Let go of the past.

Ø Keep a journal. It will help reduce some of the pain.

Ø Lean on friends. Make new friends.

Ø Avoid making any other major life decisions until you’re able to process your divorce.

Ø Guard against a rebound. Do not rush into another romantic relationship!

Ø Let go of trying to control everything. Admit that divorce cost you something. Bad things do happen to good people.

Ø Play fair with your Ex.

Ø It’s always better to take the high road when dealing with difficult family dynamics.

Ø Top priority! Help your children heal after divorce. They must feel safe, loved, and supported through the process. Children of divorce are often left with painful, traumatic memories and emotions that last well into adulthood.

There are other things that a person going through a divorce will have to deal with, like, who gets the dog, who gets the church, who gets the friends. Child custody. All these decisions can be very hard and painful to make.

As a support person, you do not have to choose sides or be responsible for the choices they make. You will need to practice neutrality and remain on the outside of the ring of fire to remain an objective helper. You will be of no use if you walk into the fire or get sucked into the middle of the fire with them.

Be prepared mainly to be a good listener, a prayer warrior, have your arsenal of scriptures in your pocket, remember that you are not a divorce counselor, and love your friend through this life changing event so that their spirit, their soul, and their faith, is not irrevocably damaged.

Debra Lee

Author/Speaker

From “Making Wise Choices…the most important life skill to master” Lecture/Commentary series.