Don't Let Someone Else's Sin Become Yours!

Don’t Let Someone Else’s Sin Become Yours!

On Judgements…

I grew up surrounded by judgmental people. Even the churches I attended in my early years were very judgmental and sometimes harsh. Close family members were very judgmental of others and had a spirit of criticism, so it was of no surprise that I had adopted those characteristics as well in my younger years. It was a learned behavior.

I remember my grandmother spending a good part of her Saturdays getting ready for church on Sunday. Her car had to be perfectly cleaned and detailed.  Her hair, nails, and clothing had to be perfect. The house scrubbed. The meal was all planned out and the cooking started early Sunday morning to be ready for a sit-down dinner after church, with the hopes that the preacher and his family would come by to eat.

In my early years we attended a small church that was made up of many family members from my mom’s side. Even as a young child, I found it quite odd that our family members acted differently at church than how I knew them to act outside of church.

One of my aunts had an alcoholic husband, but he didn’t appear to be “that way” in church. Even though people knew about it and gossiped about it and shook their heads in judgement. A cousin and his wife were very humble in church, almost martyr like, and were living with a heavy duty secrete from their past. I think they thought that no one else knew, but it too was gossiped about and judged.

Others had all kinds of struggles, and some of the other congregants had some real-life soap operas going on. But everyone seemed to clean up and pull it together for church!

I remember the tongue wagging at the church, and I remember the conversations at the dinner table after church. One by one each person who had made “the talk of the day” was ran down and judged because of the way they had acted in church or came dressed to church. Then there was the review of how someone’s children had misbehaved, or who had the smell of alcohol on them. (even though I witnessed several folks stepping outside for a smoke) Whoever came to church a little dirty with unruly hair always made the list. And sometimes, the gossip that was shared at church got spread around the dinner table.

The judgments in church and at the dinner table were cruel, but as a child, I seemed to soak it all up and found it entertaining. It was usually the men folk who would eventually put a stop to the smack downs at church and the dinner table, but a lot of the time, they would inject their own harsh judgments and those were usually the final words about a subject.

Many years later when I became an adult, I learned some very hard lessons about judgements. I got my come uppins’ for judging folks so harshly for their behaviors when I was a child and teen. I ended up with some of the same behaviors and even worse when I walked in the desert for thirteen years. 

I eventually came to a better understanding for the people that I had judged, after, I had walked in their shoes. I can truly say that I am one of the least judgmental persons. Over a year ago, an atheist friend in my life paid me a compliment. They stated that I was the least non-judgmental Christian that they have ever known and thought that I was pretty cool. That opened a door for further conversations with my friend.

Because of my past and the many lessons that I have learned, i.e. forgiveness, love, kindness, empathy, and because of the better understanding that I have of God’s love letters to us, I have no authority to throw the first stone…at anyone.

How Judgement Leads to Sins…

Many years ago, a young lady came to me for advice. Her father was on his death bed and she was clearly stating that she would never, ever go see her dad, and that she didn’t care that he was on his death bed.  Her reason, he had abandoned their family of ten children years earlier, leaving their mom destitute and having to fend for the family. This young lady was adamant about her decision and was ranting on and on about it, but, she was still wanting my advice on the situation.

Now, most people who know me well know not to come to me for advice if they don’t really want to hear the truth. Most know that I won’t be the person to wallow with them in their pity parties and help them break out in a whine fest! I won’t indulge any self-absorbed or self-centered motives either. If they don’t really want to hear the truth, then I ask them to move on.

This young lady did know me well and with that understanding, she still wanted my advice. So, my advice to her was very simple, “Don’t let your father’s sin become yours.”

She looked at me very perplexed. So, I explained it to her.

“Do not abandon your father like he had abandoned you, and do not judge your father for his past actions. You and your faith are not to be defined in this way because of what he did in the past.”

“Offer grace, offer forgiveness, offer him your love. This way you will be blameless, you will set things right for you, and regardless of how he reacts to you at this point in the game, you will not be held accountable for his actions, only yours. Do not let him leave this earth without doing this, for you will receive the gift of peace, and peace of mind.”

“By acting appropriately, you will not be hypocritical to the Christian faith, you will remain upright, and a leader in faith and actions. You will arise above what he had done to you in the past, and you will heal.”

The young lady twisted her lips and snarled, “I hate it when you are always right! Grrr….”

I just grinned at her as I walked away.

Appropriate Judgement…

Let’s explore when it is ok to appropriately judge someone and when it is wrong to judge someone.

We know that judgments through our courts of law are needed. Our court systems may not always get it right, but judgements through the courts are appropriate. The Laws of this country are in place for a reason and allows for suitable judgements to take place.

There are many reasons why we need laws: to regulate society; to protect people; to enforce rights and to solve conflicts. Laws prevent or deter people from behaving in a manner that negatively affects the quality of life of other people, therefore the consequences of breaking the law often fit the crime. (pp from Shirk)

So how do we know that we are not stepping into the sin of judgement?

It is not judging someone to exercise discernment about ungodly behavior or false teachings. It is not judging someone to be discerning about a person’s character, or to speak to them about sin. It is not exercising judgement wrongly to evaluate a person’s spiritual maturity, their doctrinal views and their shepherding abilities. These are appropriate.

When does it become wrong?

When you criticize a person out of jealousy, bitterness, and selfish ambition, rather than seeking to build that person up in Christ, it is wrong. When you assume you know all the facts and motives behind a person’s words or actions and set up human standards to judge by, rather than God’s word as the standard, it is wrong judgement. When you judge someone before judging your own sin before you begin to help someone with their sin, yep, that too.

You judge wrongly when you do it with a self-righteous critical spirit.

And the biggie: You judge someone wrongly when you make an authoritative pronouncement about their eternal destiny.

James says (4:12), “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy. But you-- who are you to judge your neighbor?”

James is asking, do you think you are God? If not, then why are you setting yourself up as God? God will take care of judging the person that has wronged you. We do not have to, it is not our job. Our job is to pray for that person.

To (wrongly) judge another person is a sin against God. Keep in mind God could rightly send each one of us to hell, because we are all underserving when you get right down to it.

Romans 3:23 states, that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Testing your Spirit: What to do if someone is DRAGGING YOU IN!

Here’s some tools, discerning questions, to use if someone comes to you with some great judgmental gossip.

Scenario: “Have you heard about Mildred?!?!  Why that Mildred! You would not believe what she did!!! I heard that there was a truck parked in her driveway ALL night long! And some man was seen coming out of her house this morning! 

(The truth, it was her brother.)

Things to ask:

1.     What is your reason for telling me?

2.     Where did you get your information?

3.     Have you gone directly to those involved to seek restoration?

4.     Have you personally checked out all the facts?

5.     Can I quote you after I check this out? THE KILLER QUESTION – stops the foolishness in a heartbeat!

Once again, it’s all about making wise choices! Don’t let someone else’s sin become yours. 

Debra Lee | Author/Speaker

"It Is What It Is...But It Wasn't A Tragedy" and "Making Wise Choices...the most important life skill to master" 

Healing from Divorce & Why Some Women Don't Trust the Church

One thing to note before reading this blog, I am not advocating for divorce. I want to make this very clear.

     Some of the latest information obtained on the divorce rate for couples who regularly attend church is the same as, and in some cases, higher than the divorce rate for unchurched couples.  

I remember one time when a friend came to me all in an uproar over her husband. She was telling me that she was going to divorce him. Her rant went on and on with all her complaints about him. Even though I was listening, my inner self was screaming, “put on your big girl panties young lady!” Everything she was saying was really…petty stuff. So, I had to speak truth to her. She didn’t realize the blessing that she had. I told her to go back to her wonderful Christian husband and figure out how to make it work!

With this blog, I simply want to bring attention to some issues that I have discovered through years of working with, having conversations with, and comforting abused women. Having been in an abusive relationship or two myself in the past, I have been a bit passionate about this subject. I give a portion of my book sales annually to the WIN organization, Women’s Initiative Network, a non-profit that helps women gain employment and education after they have left abusive relationships.

The following two verses come to my mind when I think about marriage:

Mark 10:9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Matthew 19:6 “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

These two verses talk about “what God has joined together”. My first few questions to ponder upon are these:

·   Because a wedding took place in a church building, an ordained minister performed the ceremony, the people are all happy, the venue is gorgeous, the smell of flowers fill the air along with the wedding music, it all looks good and perfect, and legal papers are signed, does it always mean that God has joined the couple in union?

·        Or did the couple join themselves without really considering God in the decision at all?

·        Or maybe unbeknownst to one of the persons in the union, the other person was a pretender, and a very good pretender? 

·        Did God really join the union when there was evil intent working behind the scenes all along by one of the parties?

I’ve been told about the pretenders and have been around the pretenders. In some cases, my radar stood straight up like goosebumps before the couple got married. These are men who look for good Christian women to marry with some type of an ulterior motive. They will go to church, get really involved, put on the show of being a good Christian, they are charismatic, charmers, learn the Christian lingo, say all the right things, have knowledge of scripture, can quote it, all under the guise of finding a woman who is deep in her faith to marry. They can spend a lot of time planning and doing this. This type of pretender knows that after he has a woman captured into a marriage, her faith will keep her from leaving the marriage and his abuses.

After my first book had been out for a while, I found that women felt that they could be very open with me about sharing personal things that had happened to them in their own lives. Some were very painful experiences leaving many scars for each person to live with, both physically and mentally. One of the most common themes that was talked about was that of divorce and how it had affected their lives. In some of these cases, I had known the person for quite some time and I would never have guessed that they had even lived through a messy, very painful, and in some cases, a dangerous divorce.

I found, through these conversations, that most women had never told anyone in their current church that they had even had a divorce in their past.  The shame and embarrassment that they felt for living in a marriage based upon lies and abuses was overwhelming, and they didn’t want people to know about it.

I heard stories of men living double lives, having wives and families in two states, men who were living a secret life of crime, having affairs, and more.

Wonderful God fearing Christian women have had the most unexpected things happen to them! They thought they had married correctly. They thought they had followed the rules. They thought they were living right and were totally blindsided by shocking events that took place.

And what makes this even worse is that they thought that they had no one in the church to help them get through the hurt and the pain. Why? Why was the church not a place for healing?

As many reported to me, immediately they were judged and shunned by those attending their church, they were looked down upon, were made to feel shame and less than. They were outcasts, in some cases, they could feel the sting of being stared at. They knew about the rumors, they knew how people were talking about them, and some even experienced the feeling of being pitied to death.

Parishioners and pastors would say insensitive things like: “What did you do wrong.” “You must not have loved him good enough.” “You should never divorce, now go back in there and make it work, somehow.” Or, “Christ must not have been in your marriage.” These insults only heaped more on to their pain.

One women had been abandoned and never divorced her husband for fear of what the church would do to her. If there was not a paper trail or any legal actions towards a divorce, she would be allowed stay in the church and not be kicked out. She found herself a single mom with no means of support and had a bus load of children to raise without the help of child support. No court actions, no child support. The church was poor and didn’t really offer her much help either in raising her children.  She never saw her husband again and twenty years later she finally became a single person because he had passed. Her pain ran very deep. Betrayal by her husband, and basically betrayal by her church.

The Church Language

Many women never return to church after a divorce because they say that they cannot trust the male authorities. As history shows, male authorities have for many decades, and centuries, used language that is very damaging and unsupportive for women, especially towards women who are leaving a marriage because of violence. The scriptures only list two reasons for a divorce, abandonment and adultery, and It doesn’t specifically say anything about divorcing for reasons of abuse. (Even though the Bible is full of scriptures on how to properly care for, protect, and love one another, and more scriptures on how a husband is to love his wife.) Unfortunately, scriptures are often misused and abused by husbands and some of the Church’s interpretations have been used for abusive purposes as well.

I did some research on modern day church language concerning divorce due to abuse. The following statements are real and come from various churches:

Ø Spousal abuse should be dealt with by temporary separation and church marriage counseling designed to bring about reconciliation between the couple. But to qualify for that separation, your spouse must be in the “habit of beating you regularly,” and not be simply someone who “grabbed you once.” (My question, how many beatings would have to take place to qualify as regularly?)

Ø An unremitting message to women of “submission, submission, submission” so that they will not be women who will want to “rule over men.” This church tells couples to attend joint marriage counseling under lay ministry leaders, with no specific training for abuse survivors, and offers a prescription of submission and headship, often telling women to learn to submit “better.”

Ø Women often bring abuse on themselves by refusing to submit. Submission is so essential to God’s plan that it must be followed even to the point of allowing abuse. When God puts you in subjection to a man whom he knows is going to cause you to suffer, it is with the understanding that you are obeying God by enduring the wrongful suffering. 

Ø “Leave while the heat is on,” but only with the intention of returning to the marriage when the violence has cooled. (My thought, anyone with a lick of sense knows that, in a violent marriage, the heat is never really off. Everything can be fine one minute, and the next minute you’re dead.)

Ø Divorces will be treated as either an old pre-conversion sin if it happened before they were saved or forgiven as a repented sin if it happened post-salvation, but the mature Christians must admit that their divorce “was more for [their] own selfishness than any other reason.” (even if the woman leaves because of abuse, she was being selfish.)

Ø Teaches that women are the completers of men, and that therefore God created wives for the sole purpose of completing their husbands. Since the wife’s job is to complete the husband anywhere he is incomplete, wives are supposed to already know what he wants/needs. (In other words, it is your fault if you get beat for not knowing what he needs.)

Ø The issue of submission always arises in church discussions of domestic violence, “subtly reminding women of their duty to maintain a submissive attitude toward their husbands.” And that “wifely unsub mission is the cause of domestic abuse.”

In all these cases there is an undue emphasis on female submission and too little emphasis on the husband’s duty to protectively lead his wife. The scriptures are very clear on how a husband is to love his wife.

There isn’t a woman on this earth who wouldn’t submit to a husband willingly if they were being honored like his queen! A husband should give his wife the impression that she is the finest in the land. In 1 Peter 3:7, the apostle links this with our salvation and with our relationship with God. It is that important!

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Your prayers will be hindered and may go unanswered if you do not treat your spouse in the way the Bible so eloquently describes a Christian marriage.

The National Network to End Domestic Violence reports that THREE women die each day because of domestic violence. ONE woman in FOUR experiences domestic violence in her lifetime.

Research has found that Christian women often stay in abusive situations several years longer than secular abused women because they are devout believers and are more bound by their desire to obey God. Christians are taught to forgive, so Christian victims put pressure on themselves to stay, submit, pray, forgive, and forget the previous abuse. They end up with a scriptural dilemma because of how they were taught to believe.

The Church role is to offer help and hope in the restoration and healing process of the divorced person. Unfortunately, many churches are ill-equipped.

Divorced people need to be accepted and loved. Many of them feel rejected because their spouse left them for someone else. They lose their self-worth, self-esteem, and self-values. Love and acceptance will help them offset those feelings. Accepting a divorced person doesn’t mean you accept divorce. Jesus loves people and sinners, but he hates sin. Work with the divorced by loving them through the tough stuff.

There are some helpful ways to help a friend heal from divorce:

BE AVAILABLE: Make time for your friend, listen, let them know you care, be a strong support system.

BE SUPPORTIVE: Help them find a good Christian counselor, accompany to court dates, sit with your friend in church, surprise with gifts.

BE UNDERSTANDING: Grief takes time to overcome. Love your friend unconditionally, listen for suicide ideations, discern “tough love” when needed.

BE USEFUL: Help create a financial budget, help find a job, fill the freezer with casseroles or easy fix meals.

DON’T: Lend money unless you are OK with never getting it back, give advice unless asked, bash the former spouse, share details with others, visit places that trigger memories, fix your friend up with a date, recite religious cliché’s, assume your friend still feels welcome at church. Often those ostracized by the church during divorce, leave forever.

Be ready to help your friend when words are spoken by insensitive bystanders. Words like, “It takes two. You must have done something to drive him to another woman,” or “It takes two to get married, but only one to get divorced.” Those kinds of remarks are a stabbing pain that will always be remembered. I still remember to this day the insensitive remarks that were said to me, even though most folks were extremely happy that I got away with my life and sanity!

Really encourage your friend to attend a Christian recovery group. They are safe havens to form new friendships and discover an identity in Christ, not in a spouse. Your friend can find the support and comfort they need from a healthy group designed for healing the wounds of divorce.  

Here is a list of things that your friend can do to help themselves with the healing process:

Ø Acknowledge the loss. After the shock, it is easy to go into denial.

Ø Accept the pain as being normal, accept and own their responsibility and part in the divorce, accept the situation.

Ø Allow time to heal. A broken heart takes longer to heal than a broken bone.

Ø Allow yourself permission to mourn.

Ø Stick with God’s Plan. Know what the Bible says about the character and behavior of godly men and women, and only seek people who are clearly living in line with the Bible’s directives.

Ø Get into a Christian support group.

Ø Realize failure is never final and the only real failure is not to get up one more time!

Ø Use the pain for motivation to grow and become a better person.

Ø Forgive to be free. Let go of the past.

Ø Keep a journal. It will help reduce some of the pain.

Ø Lean on friends. Make new friends.

Ø Avoid making any other major life decisions until you’re able to process your divorce.

Ø Guard against a rebound. Do not rush into another romantic relationship!

Ø Let go of trying to control everything. Admit that divorce cost you something. Bad things do happen to good people.

Ø Play fair with your Ex.

Ø It’s always better to take the high road when dealing with difficult family dynamics.

Ø Top priority! Help your children heal after divorce. They must feel safe, loved, and supported through the process. Children of divorce are often left with painful, traumatic memories and emotions that last well into adulthood.

There are other things that a person going through a divorce will have to deal with, like, who gets the dog, who gets the church, who gets the friends. Child custody. All these decisions can be very hard and painful to make.

As a support person, you do not have to choose sides or be responsible for the choices they make. You will need to practice neutrality and remain on the outside of the ring of fire to remain an objective helper. You will be of no use if you walk into the fire or get sucked into the middle of the fire with them.

Be prepared mainly to be a good listener, a prayer warrior, have your arsenal of scriptures in your pocket, remember that you are not a divorce counselor, and love your friend through this life changing event so that their spirit, their soul, and their faith, is not irrevocably damaged.

Debra Lee

Author/Speaker

From “Making Wise Choices…the most important life skill to master” Lecture/Commentary series.