Question: How do you handle a narcissist?

Question: How do you handle a narcissist? ~ anonymous

Having been married to a narcissist for a short time, way back in the way back, I totally understand this question and can offer some advice. When I left my first husband, I had to go back into our house to retrieve some items and I found a letter that had been written by his first wife to him over a decade earlier. As I was reading the letter, it sounded just as if I was writing it myself. The only difference between her and I, she ended up being institutionalized with mental health issues from dealing with his narcissism.

I am a very strong-willed person, and way back then, I was very feisty. Dealing with narcissism was just another challenge I had to deal with, and I wasn’t going to let it take me down.

One thing to remember about a narcissist, there is no cure. However, they can learn to tap down their behavior if they want to. Most don’t want to change because they love getting the results they want, not giving much care to who they use or abuse.

Narcissists are usually very charismatic, have skills to make you believe them and trust them, they can be flamboyant, and while being self-absorbed, they can make you feel that they care for you. They are controlling and like to get their way, always. They are abusive to their spouse/partner, verbally or physically, or both.

Because I can easily recognize a narcissist, I pretty much know how to handle them from the first experiences that I have with them. I know how to disarm them, and I know how to put distance between us and set boundaries to where they never have the upper hand to try and control me. I guess you could call it one of my soft skills and it works well in personal relationships and business relationships.

*In answer to the question, here are a few tips I found to help you navigate this type of person:

Stay Calm and Composed.

Keep your responses brief.

Set Boundaries and keep them.

Get them to commit to things in writing.

Remember that their behavior is not your fault.

Here’s 10 things you can say to disarm a narcissist, especially during an argument or confrontation.

"That doesn’t work for me." Narcissists may try to make decisions for you without consulting you. It’s important to speak up for yourself and let them know if you’re not OK with what they’ve decided.

"I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently." You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.

"I don’t see myself that way." Often, narcissists will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel negative about yourself. It's important that you stay strong in what you believe is true.

"I remember it differently." This is especially important when you’re being told by a narcissist that you might be imagining something or that it never happened. Let them know that you remember what really happened so they can’t manipulate events. Don't let them make you doubt yourself.

"I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective." Setting boundaries for the conversation upfront can help ensure that the conversation is more respectful. Otherwise, you don’t have to discuss that subject with them.

"I’m not going to explain why this is important to me, but it is." Sometimes, we need to put a boundary in place with a narcissist, but we must be mindful that when we explain why, it gives them an opportunity to manipulate or gaslight us. In such situations, you can uphold what’s important to you without giving big explanations.

"I’m not willing to talk about that." If a narcissist brings up a subject that they know you don’t want to talk about, it’s important to assert that you’re not willing to engage with them. You don’t have to justify your reasons for not wanting to discuss it.

"If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away." If the conversation is becoming toxic, you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespect. State your boundaries clearly but firmly.

"I’m going to step away from this conversation." It’s important to stick to your boundaries. Realize when you need to disengage and step away to get clarity.

"Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available." If you want to sever contact with the narcissist, politely but firmly let them know that you’re not available or interested.

Seek help if you need it. If you’re struggling to deal with a narcissist, it can be helpful to reach out to friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. They can offer emotional validation, help you maintain your sense of reality, and support you while you set boundaries to protect yourself.

Narcissistic behavior can often cross the line and turn into abuse. If you live with a narcissistic abuser, there are resources that can help.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

 

*Resource | Sanjana Gupta | Very Well Mind

 

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Biz & Life Coach