Question: How do you handle a narcissist?

Question: How do you handle a narcissist? ~ anonymous

Having been married to a narcissist for a short time, way back in the way back, I totally understand this question and can offer some advice. When I left my first husband, I had to go back into our house to retrieve some items and I found a letter that had been written by his first wife to him over a decade earlier. As I was reading the letter, it sounded just as if I was writing it myself. The only difference between her and I, she ended up being institutionalized with mental health issues from dealing with his narcissism.

I am a very strong-willed person, and way back then, I was very feisty. Dealing with narcissism was just another challenge I had to deal with, and I wasn’t going to let it take me down.

One thing to remember about a narcissist, there is no cure. However, they can learn to tap down their behavior if they want to. Most don’t want to change because they love getting the results they want, not giving much care to who they use or abuse.

Narcissists are usually very charismatic, have skills to make you believe them and trust them, they can be flamboyant, and while being self-absorbed, they can make you feel that they care for you. They are controlling and like to get their way, always. They are abusive to their spouse/partner, verbally or physically, or both.

Because I can easily recognize a narcissist, I pretty much know how to handle them from the first experiences that I have with them. I know how to disarm them, and I know how to put distance between us and set boundaries to where they never have the upper hand to try and control me. I guess you could call it one of my soft skills and it works well in personal relationships and business relationships.

*In answer to the question, here are a few tips I found to help you navigate this type of person:

Stay Calm and Composed.

Keep your responses brief.

Set Boundaries and keep them.

Get them to commit to things in writing.

Remember that their behavior is not your fault.

Here’s 10 things you can say to disarm a narcissist, especially during an argument or confrontation.

"That doesn’t work for me." Narcissists may try to make decisions for you without consulting you. It’s important to speak up for yourself and let them know if you’re not OK with what they’ve decided.

"I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently." You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.

"I don’t see myself that way." Often, narcissists will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel negative about yourself. It's important that you stay strong in what you believe is true.

"I remember it differently." This is especially important when you’re being told by a narcissist that you might be imagining something or that it never happened. Let them know that you remember what really happened so they can’t manipulate events. Don't let them make you doubt yourself.

"I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective." Setting boundaries for the conversation upfront can help ensure that the conversation is more respectful. Otherwise, you don’t have to discuss that subject with them.

"I’m not going to explain why this is important to me, but it is." Sometimes, we need to put a boundary in place with a narcissist, but we must be mindful that when we explain why, it gives them an opportunity to manipulate or gaslight us. In such situations, you can uphold what’s important to you without giving big explanations.

"I’m not willing to talk about that." If a narcissist brings up a subject that they know you don’t want to talk about, it’s important to assert that you’re not willing to engage with them. You don’t have to justify your reasons for not wanting to discuss it.

"If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away." If the conversation is becoming toxic, you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespect. State your boundaries clearly but firmly.

"I’m going to step away from this conversation." It’s important to stick to your boundaries. Realize when you need to disengage and step away to get clarity.

"Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available." If you want to sever contact with the narcissist, politely but firmly let them know that you’re not available or interested.

Seek help if you need it. If you’re struggling to deal with a narcissist, it can be helpful to reach out to friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. They can offer emotional validation, help you maintain your sense of reality, and support you while you set boundaries to protect yourself.

Narcissistic behavior can often cross the line and turn into abuse. If you live with a narcissistic abuser, there are resources that can help.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

 

*Resource | Sanjana Gupta | Very Well Mind

 

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Biz & Life Coach

 

Tip of the Day: Be the light, even in difficult situations.

Tip of the Day: Be the light, even in difficult situations.

 

Since I just had surgery, I thought I would share this story wit you from my past. This is an excerpt from my autobiography, “It Is What It Is…But It Wasn’t A Tragedy.” I have had many surgeries, and this excerpt is from my observations from those experiences.

 

… “I also know that nurses don’t always receive thanks for what they do, and I can only imagine how difficult their workday can be sometimes. They picked their careers because they love serving others! But they often deal with out-of-control, ungrateful, mean, and angry people. Some of their patients’ attitudes are driven by awful pain while others are driven by pain that was inflicted upon them years ago. Nonetheless, I’m sure that it is not always an easy job, most days, for a nurse.

             

I have always tried to bless the nurses who took care of me by giving them a lighter day. There were times when I felt totally incapacitated and it was then that I had to ask for help. Regardless of how I was feeling I asked nicely and with a smile. There were times when I joked around with them, especially if they were watching me bumble around the room trying to get a grip on whatever it was that they needed me to do. I would make light of the situation and soldier on.

           

During one of my stays at a hospital one of the nurses brought a nun in to meet me. The nun wanted to meet-the-one-patient-that-they-wished-all-other-patients-could-be-like. I found it so sad that I was an exception to their daily grind.

           

I even had a few nurses tell me that they really hated their jobs and subsequently, they treated their patients with the same kind of attitude. Those nurses became challenges for me, and I loved it. Before long, I had them laughing too.”

 

Be that person who can bring a lighter day to the burdened, the sad, and the hopeless. You don’t always know what a person is going through, and sometimes, just a simple smile in passing or a quick compliment can make all the difference in the world to them.

 

 

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Biz & Life Coach

 

Find all my services here!

 

Tacky Paper and a Mouse!

A little humor story to share about being a business owner. This took place when I owned a home and office cleaning company many years ago. It was my very first business.

 

“TACKY PAPER AND A MOUSE”

           

I am not very fond of mice even though they are sort of cute when you really take a close look at them.

I was training a new lady at one of our house accounts. She was someone who I had known for quite some time, and she eventually became my office assistant for the business.

           

We were busy cleaning, and all was quiet. I was in the bathroom cleaning, and she had taken on the chore of cleaning the kitchen when all of a sudden, I heard a blood curdling scream, and the scream didn’t stop. I went running to her thinking that she was being attacked, and lo and behold, she had reached under the sink to grab the trash can and her rubber glove had gotten stuck to the tacky paper that was under the sink. Of course, there was a live mouse stuck to that tacky paper!

           

When I arrived at the kitchen door, I saw that poor woman jumping up and down flapping her hands, with a mouse stuck to her glove! She had a red face, wide open startled eyes, and her mouth was wide open screaming. Her loud screaming was continuous, and boy, did I wish I had had a camera!

           

I finally was able to calm her down enough to help her out. That poor mouse had taken the ride of its life with her. We eventually got the glove unstuck and I threw the tacky paper with the mouse attached in the dumpster that sat right outside of the kitchen door. I thought quite ill of the homeowners for killing mice that way. It seemed like a cruel way of starving them to death.

           

After all the excitement, it took my friend a bit of time to finish cleaning the kitchen, so every once in a while, I would open the kitchen door where the dumpster was located.

           

“Help me! Help me!” I would quietly say in my little, tiny mouse voice.

           

She didn’t see the humor at all with me making fun of her and the incident.

           

The next day the homeowner called and asked me if we had found the tacky paper under the sink. I informed her that yes, we did find it and threw it out because there was a mouse stuck to it.

           

“Oh, no!” she exclaimed. “We take the mice off of the tacky paper with oil and put them in a cage and then we take them to a field and let them go.”

           

I thought to myself, you have got to be kidding; I am the mouse killer, not the homeowner?!

 

From “It Is What It Is…But It Wasn’t A Tragedy by Debra Lee

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Biz & Life Coach

 

Don't do it alone denying others a blessing!

I am one of those peoples who is under the knife quite too much! If I recall properly, I am up to about sixteen surgeries. Not a fun thing, but I am grateful for great surgeons who, on at least a couple of occasions, saved my life.

I am also one of those peoples who does not like to ask for help. It has nothing to do with pride or a big ego, I just don’t like to impose upon others. Plus, I think I might carry around a bit of unworthiness, feeling underserving of being served. Dunno.

Many years ago, I was having major surgery and my Sunday school class wanted to help by providing meals for a week after my hospital stay. Now, mind you, they had asked to help with my previous surgeries as well, but I let them off the hook by letting them know that I would be ok. I had it under control.

By the way, do you know the difference between a major and minor surgery??? It’s a trick question. A minor surgery is when you are having it, a major surgery is when I am having it!!!

As it would be, a brick was dropped from above, and a direct message slammed into my head, and I had to listen. It was one of those, stand up and pay attention moments. The message was quite clear and direct. I had never thought of it this way at all, but I was denying others a blessing by not allowing them to serve me. Huh. I had to think a bit about my doggedness a bit.

The Bible is full of verses about serving others and the blessings that come from doing so.

Hebrews 6:10 “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”

Don’t deny others a blessing! Let them help and serve you!

 

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Biz & Life Coach

 

Improving your PowerPoint presentation

     I love creating PowerPoints! I find them especially helpful for speaking engagements or for the classes that I teach. I have also used them for conferences to keep the program and all key speakers on pace.

If designed well, they will not only help you to stay on task but will be educational and engaging for your audience. Your audiences’ eyes will be directed to important bits of information on each slide to help you drive home the message. People learn all kinds of ways, so making your PowerPoint esthetically pleasing will help those who are visual learners.

Make your PowerPoints simple, yet eye catching, and be consistent with your design. Above all, make sure you practice with your PowerPoint to make sure it flows well!

Improve your PowerPoint presentations by using these key help aids!

1. Simplify Content. Focus on conveying one key point per slide to avoid overwhelming your audience with too much information. You can always have a handout with detailed information.

2. Use High-Quality Images: Incorporate relevant and high-resolution images to enhance visual appeal and help convey your message effectively. Use images that are free to use or use a pay per service.

3. Limit Text: To maintain audience engagement, use bullet points sparingly and opt for concise phrases or keywords instead of lengthy sentences. You can create PowerPoint presentations with only images and no words. The PowerPoint images are "notes" to trigger the next thought.

4. Choose Legible Fonts: Select easy-to-read fonts like Arial, Calibri, or Times New Roman, and avoid using decorative fonts that may be difficult to read.

5. Consistent Design: Use the same color scheme, font styles, and slide layouts throughout your presentation to maintain a consistent design theme.

6. Add Visuals and Multimedia: Include charts, graphs, videos, and infographics to illustrate data and make your presentation more dynamic and engaging.

7. Practice Visual Hierarchy: Use visual hierarchy techniques such as font size, color contrast, and placement to emphasize essential points and guide the audience's attention. This refers to the arrangement or organization of visual elements in a design to convey a sense of importance and guide the viewer's attention. Visual hierarchy is commonly used to enhance the overall user experience and make the content more engaging and accessible.

8. Use Transitions Wisely: Incorporate subtle slide transitions and animations to enhance the flow of your presentation without distracting from the Content.

9. Practice Timing: Rehearse your presentation to ensure that your pacing is appropriate and that each slide is displayed for adequate time for audience comprehension.

10. Engage with the Audience: Encourage participation through interactive elements like polls, quizzes, or Q&A sessions to foster engagement and interaction.

The KISS method (Keep It Short and Simple) works better than 20 bullet points per slide. Practice these key basics the next time you create your PowerPoint and successfully drive home your message!

 

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Blogger | Biz & Life Coach

Find all my services and classes here!

 

Encouragement for Entrepreneurs

Encouragement for Entrepreneurs

     Many years ago, I worked as a buyer for a well-known retailer who had been in business for approximately 65 years. Unfortunately, the day came when the store needed to close its doors due to a drop in sales revenue. It was a sad day when reality set in. Wichita would be losing one of its iconic stores in our downtown sector. It was a wonderful store that provided so much help and products to so many people during its existence. The loss of jobs was also a huge hit for the staff, as many had spent most of their careers there.

After the announcement was made to the public that we were closing, we heard from all kinds of patrons who had shopped over the years, the regular shoppers, and the not-so regular shoppers. They were all sad.

One day I was on the sales floor when a man approached me and started yelling at me because the store was closing. I’ve been yelled out so many times during my tenure in retail, that it didn’t really phase me. He had to get this off his chest, and yelling was his best tool that day to relay his message of disappointment. He wanted a full explanation as to why we were closing.

He was not a regular, as a matter of fact, I had never seen this man shopping in the store before that day. The sales floor was busy, and his rant had gathered quite an audience of onlookers and head shakers in disgust at his actions. When he was finished, I calmly looked at him and stated, “Sir, in answer to your question, when was the last time you shopped here?”

He stopped his hot mess and just stared at me. I think he felt this “calling out” and got my point, so he simply left.

Entrepreneurs and Solopreneurs have simply been left exhausted from these last four years. It’s been hard for so many. It’s been challenging, demeaning at times, and can leave a person feeling all alone and isolated with the question, “Should I keep going?”

Entrepreneurs, why do we do what we do? Because we love the people we meet and help each day with our products or services. We love the relationships that we build with our patrons. We love being able to call each person by their names because they are frequent flyers!

A word of encouragement for entrepreneurs. The road is hard, I know that. However, it is very important that you do not walk the road alone. Find a confidant, someone you can trust, someone to hash out the day’s journey. The ups and downs. Make sure you take the time to celebrate the good stuff. Take breaks. I know, when you are a solopreneur, you are thinking that I am nuts to suggest this! Trust me, breaks help. You come back with a refreshed mindset and body to continue.

Entrepreneurs are also shoppers. If you love a local business and love the uniqueness of what they have to offer to the community in products or services, please support them regularly! Don’t forget to build relationships with other business owners! It’s important! Try to figure out how you can help each other and create partnerships with businesses that complement what you are doing.

A good word, or referral to another business, will go a long way. Other business owners can end up being the best thing ever for your biz! I saw a sign at a local business the other day that said, “Your referral to your family and friends is the greatest compliment you could give us!”

Entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, hang in there! You’ve got this. Be consistent, Pray often, and Fear not! Stick to your business plan. You may need to revise it a bit to match current trends, so take time to review it once a year. A good business plan will keep you on track and keep you from chasing squirrels!  

Keep building those relationships, trust God, and you will make it through the tough stuff.

Isaiah 41:10, ESV “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Keep on keepin’ on!

Debra

 

Debra Lee | Author | Keynote Speaker | Blogger | Biz & Life Coach

Find all my services and classes here!