We all have a tendency to
get in our own way because we like to control everything in our lives!!! Now,
if this is a news flash and a shock to you…sorry, not sorry!
We control the kids, the spouses
(or we like to think we do), we control the household budget, we like to
control those who intersect in our lives, and basically, we all just have
O.C.D.!!! We have major control issues!!!!
There’s nothing scarier
than a person with O.C.D., and a bucket full of A.T.T.I.T.U.D.E.!
We think we are invincible
and can handle anything and everything on our own, after all, we are SUPER Women
and Men!
We are blessed with these
superpowers but sometimes these superpowers can work against us, making us our
own best saboteurs.
I have sabotaged myself a
few times over the years. And the thing is, I didn’t know I was doing it until
someone pointed it out to me.
Back in the day, I had a
major O.C.D. problem. I developed this control issue in my early twenties and
by the time I had my child at the age of 38, the O.C.D. was in full bloom.
Everything had to be perfect all the time. I had put very harsh demands on myself
and had even developed a stringent diet for myself, only allowing myself to eat
600 – 900 calories a day. The control issues also transferred over to how I
treated others and how much I would allow others to help me. If I didn’t
think someone would do a project correctly, I just did it myself.
I know this sounds silly,
but I even got down on the floor and combed the fringe on the throw rugs.
My control issues bound me up like chains and became very overwhelming.
Then one day, the reality
of what I was doing to myself and to others came to a head. My mother was
holding my infant son in her lap. She looked down at him, shook her head and
stated, “I am so sorry that she is your mother.”
That was my wakeup call. I
had been sabotaging relationships with family and friends and sabotaging
relationships in my career. Up until that point, I hadn’t considered that a
person could get a lot more accomplished by using a teamwork approach instead
of a dictatorship method.
In my many years of
experience I have observed founders or heads of organizations and ministries
get in their own way. And I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count.
They have gone as far as
they can go with their knowledge, skills, and abilities, but refuse to let
themselves be surrounded by people who can take the organization to the next
level! It’s all about control, pride and ego, and their stubbornness keeps away
exponential growth opportunities. They are cheating themselves, the
organization, and others from not allowing them to use their giftedness!
Many times, I have been
asked to start up ministry programs. I am a development person and I love doing
this. But I am not so stupid as to think that I own that
ministry, that I am the best for that ministry, and that there
is no way anybody else can do it better than me! I will
get the program up and running, get people trained and get the program stable.
Then I step aside and let someone else run with it and take it to the next
level if that is what is needed.
Define and Change.
Let’s look at the
perfectionist and define how they get in their own way and define obstacles for
those who don’t necessarily have control issues. Don’t worry, I’ve included
helpful tips for both types to inspire change!
How perfectionists get in
their own way.
v Struggle
to make decisions or act. Perfectionists are motivated to
make the absolute best choice, even when doing so isn’t strictly necessary. It
can lead to decision paralysis.
v Worry
Excessively. They think deeply over and over about even the tiniest of
mistakes. They can spend too much time on marginally productive activities
before moving on.
v Avoid
Challenges to Avoid Failure. For the most part, perfectionists
tend to apply their extremely rigorous standards to only themselves. But there
can be some leech through where the perfectionist also expects others to
conform to their standards. This leaves the perfectionist hard to work with or
deal with.
v Constantly
thinking about weaknesses, mistakes, and failures. They
are motivated to avoid small mistakes because making them are the triggers to
constantly think about them. This can cause irritability, depression, and can
disrupt the person’s performance and relationships.
How to change.
v Learn
from Successes. Learning from failures can trigger a person, so learning
from successes can help with balance and faster decision making. One way to
help with this, for example, when working on a project, list five criteria that
are important to the perfectionist and allow themselves to be okay if four out
of the five criteria are met. It’s a way of retraining the brain and helps with
other productive behaviors, i.e., spending 30 minutes returning an
unsatisfactory low value item to a store, when they could be doing something
more productive. It’s about relearning how to prioritize.
v Ask
oneself how to improve 1%. This is a helpful approach when
you are prone to overcomplicate solutions to problems. Because being flawless
is an issue, being able to see how one can improve behavior by 1% each day
makes it easy and not as demoralizing for the person.
v Learn
strategies to disrupt the rumination sequence. When
a perfectionist starts to mull over something, over and over, stop, pause, and
ask if obsessing over it is really helping. When thoughts are going in
circles it is not problem solving and it can put a person in a bad mood.
Let’s look at other ways
people end up getting in their own way.
v Poor
People Skills. A person can get away with mistakes if they are socially
intelligent and are liked by people.
v Negative
Attitude.
v “A Bad
Fit”. Are you in a situation that is simply a bad fit all the way
around? I’ve always said that if I find myself in a situation that
is not working for me, I change it.
v Lack of
Focus.
v A Weak
Commitment. Apathy is not chic!!! Effort and Commitment is in style!
v An unwillingness
to CHANGE.
v A
Shortcut Mindset. We live in a world of instant gratification. And it is
sad. No one wants to put in the effort, and they give up. A short road to
success never pays off.
v Relying
on Talent Alone. Talent alone is overrated. It’s important but it
will only take you so far. A strong work ethic added to talent is like pouring
gasoline on a fire…it’s explosive!
v A
Response to Poor Information. Don’t make weighty
decisions based on limited amounts of information. Gain reliable information by
doing your homework.
v No
Goals! A major cause of getting into one’s own way is the lack of
goals.
v Waiting
for things to happen automatically. Hmmm…
v Expecting
to Please Others. One of the things I’ve always said,
and I even wrote it in my book is, what others think of me is none of my
business. If you like what you are doing, you’ll like yourself. If you like
yourself, you will be more relaxed, calm, inspired and happy.
v Acting as
if you can change others. WHY?? If
you are wanting changed behaviors from another, you must earn the other
person’s respect.
v Act on
Impulse. Means acting without thought.
v Overestimate
what thought can do. “I have to keep thinking about this until, I’m sure.”
You need to act and experiment, then you will know for sure.
v Expect
things to stay the same.
v Expect
things to change.
v Thinking
that being kind, nice and reasonable should lead to the same behaviors from
others.
v Your
Thinking May be off. Nothing is wrong with you that
corrective thinking cannot change. Your thinking might be messed up, not you.
How to get out of your own
way.
v Just
pull the trigger. Just start.
v Do one
thing at a time. Focus on one thing, one project and
get it right, then move to the next thing.
v Don’t be
afraid of Failure. Do your best but know that failure is
a necessary part of the process. That’s how we learn and improve. The last time
you failed, did you stop trying because you failed, or did you fail because you
stopped trying? Failure doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed, it just means that
it might take a little longer. Don’t Give Up!
v Be
Consistent.
v Choose
your Friends Wisely.
v Systematize
everything. Free up your brain space for bigger and better thinking by
taking decision-making out of the processes. Put structure and systems in place
to make life easier. For example, automatic bill pay or invoicing systems.
v Reflect
on your Influence. Working on your goals might trigger
someone else to do the same.
v Connect
Daily with your WHY.
v Have a
DAILY mindset practice. Get into your head and
sort it out daily! Work through resistance and fear.
v Make
personal development a priority! Work on it! Take fun
classes, get a life coach, exercise, learn something new!
v Step
back and check in with your purpose. Make sure you are
still on track.
v Invest
in yourself and your dream.
v Ask for
Help!!! No shame!
Getting out of your own
way takes recognition that you are doing it, the willingness to change and
practice with the new tools you have been given! It doesn’t happen
overnight, so be patient with yourself. I had to do it in baby steps. For
instance, one of the first things I did was get rid of all the fringed
rugs!!
Debra Lee, Author/Keynote
Speaker
Blogger/ Biz Coach/Life
Coach
"It Is What It
Is...But It Wasn't A Tragedy" & "Making Wise Choices...the most
important life skill to master"
For all my biz services and prices, click here!
