Respecting Undeserving Parents

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

Exodus 20:12

Exodus 20:12 is from the list of the Ten Commandments. And as people of the Christian faith know, the Ten Commandments are not suggestions, we are to obey them. This particular commandment is the only commandment with a promise attached to it.

But how can a person honor and respect undeserving parents? Are you a parent that your children can respect? And what actions can you take if you have already blown it with your children? Let’s explore.

Years ago, I had the privilege of running a boy’s ranch. With that, I had to read through many case files to determine if a child was a fit for our behavioral modification program. Many files contained information on run of the mill troubled children who displayed all kinds of disrespect to others and were labeled mostly as one who does not play well in sandbox.

Other files were filled with horrors. There were days when I would drive home from work with tears running down my cheeks and I would be incensed about what I had read in the files that day and the heinous ways parents would abuse their children.

Most of these children were destroyed after they had suffered abuses at the hands of their parents. They needed intensive medical care, intensive psychiatric care, behavioral care, and were left with scars that would affect them the rest of their lives. We see stories of child abuse in the news frequently, and believe me, there are a lot more abuses happening every day to children that are going unreported.

The big question is, how can someone who has lived through this kind of stuff ever heal enough to be able to forgive and respect their parents like the Bible asks us to do? Our souls scream out, “These parents are unworthy, they don’t deserve it!”

This may seem strange to some, but, children of abuse and neglect will express how much they love their parents. This is called disorganized attachment where simultaneously there is a need of and a fear of their caregiver.

I’m sure that adult Christians, who are struggling with this kind of past, may have their stomachs churning a bit over this commandment. It’s not easy to honor and respect someone who has hurt you so badly. There might even be a tendency to want some pay back. Here are some Bible verses to help neutralize the thoughts of revenge. 1Peter 3:9, Matthew 5:44-47, Romans 5:8, Romans 12:19

Not all of these verses will be welcomed at first, not until some progressions towards healing have been made. Learning how to live righteously and doing what is right in God’s eyes will be hard. A good Christian therapist should be involved to help with the healing process.

To fulfill this commandment, you will need to forgive, but that does not mean that you will forget or that you have excused what your parent or parents did to you. You will need to honor them because God has asked you to, and then you will have to leave it up to God to take care of their punishment.

It takes a lot of courage to do this, it takes a lot of healing to do this, it takes a lot of forgiveness to do this, it takes a lot of God to do this. You must pray for the Holy Spirit to help you in the process and pray for strength to do so, daily.

Pick one of these helpful suggestions below to practice and start the process there. Each situation will be different and will determine where you start. Take into consideration any safety issues.

Forgive their transgression

Extend Mercy

Share the Gospel

Appreciate the good things

Do something as an act of kindness

Choose to speak kindly of them

Consider writing a tribute

Teach your children to respect their grandparents and extend mercy to them

Pray for the parent who mistreated you

Keep your parents connected to your family

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I was forty something when our only child started kindergarten. We were the oldest parents in the class! When I was at the school volunteering for different school activities I was shocked at how parents and children were interacting with other. Definitely not like the days when I went to school!

I observed some real bad behaviors! Yelling, screaming, crying, cussing, disrespectful talk, and that was from the parents! I watched as parents swatted, yanked arms, pushed their children, slap their kids on the backs their heads. And to no surprise their children responded back to their parents in the same manner, disrespectful.

When my son was about four years old, he went off on a tangent one day. Standing in the middle of our living room he went to yelling at me. I don’t remember what he was yelling about, but I do remember how I handled it and how this outburst was used as a training moment for learning respect.

I stopped him mid-stream of his tantrum and asked him to go to his room for a time out. After four minutes of time out, I went to his room and found him laying on his bed. His demeanor was a bit more relaxed.

I sat next to him on his bed and I calmly asked him one question. “Have I ever yelled at you, like you just yelled at me?” His bottom lip started to quiver as he responded, “No.” My next question was, “So what makes you think that you can yell at me like that?” The poor little guy went into tears and apologized for his behavior. He never yelled at me again, even though the teenage years!

I was not a yelling nagging mother! I always treated him with respect. I honored and validated his feelings, kept the lines of communication open, and valued his opinions, yet was a very firm mother. I was not his friend, I was his mother. He knew when I said something, I meant it. He tested me a few times and learned on the short end of things, that I was a person of my word.

Model the behavior that you want your children to have if you wan them to honor and respect you.

Actions speak louder than words. They may never do what you say, but they will follow what you do. If you tell your child to tell the person who is phoning you that you are not home when you are, you are teaching them how to lie. Practice what you preach and do not have double standards. Always keep your word and be kind and respectful. Don’t pass down harsh punishments and exasperate. Be a parent who de-escalates situations and doesn’t poor fuel on them.

Regardless of what stage of parenting you are in, you can still make amends. (Hint: as long as you have children, you are parenting.) Regardless of their ages, you can apologize for your parenting mistakes.

I remember when I brought my son home from the hospital. I was in love with him. But, I wasn’t really feeling attached to him yet. We were both new to each other! A couple of weeks in as a new parent, a friend called me to see how I was doing. I voiced a couple of concerns, then stated that the hospital had made a mistake. She inquired as to what that would be? I said they forgot to send home the instruction book!

Yep, no instruction book. And it kind of feels like that the whole time you are raising your children. Because children hit their benchmarks at different stages, have different personalities, different needs, combined with other possible influences, it would be impossible to write an instruction book for each child!  So, if you are a parent, give yourself a break! You are gonna’ make mistakes!

And without excuses, we need to also keep in mind that sometimes our actions can result in lasting damage to our children, intentional or not.

Some feel that it is a sign of weakness to ever apologize to anyone, and some feel that one would lose their parental authorities over their children if they were to ever apologize to them. False! Apologizing takes strength, it builds stronger relationships, it promotes well-being, and it will earn you currency in your respect account.  It also sets a great example for others to learn from, especially your children.

It is never too late to tell little Johnny that you are sorry that you lost your temper with him. It is never too late to apologize to Susy for witnessing mommy lie to a friend. It is never too late to tell your teenage daughter that you are sorry for wrongly judging a situation. It is never too late to tell your children that you made a mistake in how you mishandled something.

When apologizing and asking for forgiveness from children or even adult children, make sure you do it properly, and without including the word BUT.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up.” End of sentence.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get to spend much time with you children while you were growing up, BUT, I was a single parent and had to do what I had to do.”

They don’t want to hear the BUTs from you. Their ears hear the BUTs as excuses. Let them use the BUT word when they are ready.

You might hear:

“But mom, I understand, you were doing your best to take care of all of us, while working several jobs, we understood why you didn’t have much time to spend with us.”

OR you may not get a response at all. The main thing is to validate what happened with each child without excuses for your actions, whether your intentions were good or not.

The expression of an apology may not be the time to ask for forgiveness. Depending upon the severity of the offense, they may need to have some time to process the apology first. Maybe at some point they will be ready for the forgiveness part and you will be able to offer up that request on their terms.

It is never too late to upgrade your parenting skills and earn respect in your respect account. Be a leader in this and begin making wiser choices by praying to God and asking for his help. He will reveal your weaknesses in your parenting skills. Let him walk with you and give you the strength you need as you recognize and admit your shortfalls, to him, to yourself, and to your children. Let your family see your strength as you ask for forgiveness and let them see your growth in the Lord as you learn new ways and learn how to lead better by example. 

Debra Lee, Author|Speaker

Commentary on Lesson Eight From “Making Wise Choices…the most important life skill to master”

by Debra Lee

The Power of Words by Debra Lee

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 16:24 (ESV)

     When I wrote my autobiography, “It Is What It Is”, I had to re-live my experiences from the past. The sad, hard, hurtful and scary experiences, were the most difficult to write about, of which, for the most part, I had healed from before I started the book. While I was at the computer writing, there were days when I hadn’t realized that tears were falling down my cheeks. The writing was therapeutic.

As I recalled my childhood years in elementary school, it took me back to the hurt of words. I attended elementary school in a small community where my father was the Sherriff. Our family kind of had a bullseye painted on its back. My father and our family were threatened quite often, though as children, my brother and I were kept from that knowledge. My parents protected us from harm as much as they could.

When we started school, our innocence was cracked open just a bit. It didn’t take us long to experience the harshness of words and the meanness of spirit that lives in some people. There were bad days of name calling, ridicule, and more, towards us children. Even more harshness was thrown at us about our father.

You might be thinking, that’s just childhood play. Normally, that is so. This didn’t come only from our classmates though. Our teachers were involved in it as well. My first-grade teacher stood me up in front of the class on several occasions to basically make fun of me. One time, she had me stand up in front of the class and made the proclamation that I was stupid.

I will admit that I had been damaged by the words that I heard as a child. I didn’t trust people and I started a dialogue with my inner self that was damaging. I was stupid, I couldn’t learn, I was ugly, I was awkward and didn’t fit it, I was left out of things because I didn’t belong, the list goes on and on, until I was a very shy introvert, afraid of my own shadow because I didn’t know how people were going to react and treat me.

As I aged into teenage hood and our father became the Police Chief, I became calloused to the offenses, became an advocate for those being mistreated, and became a people pleaser to a fault. And I mean to a fault. I eventually came out of my shyness as I took on anger and bitterness. As an adult, the insulting words that I heard during my childhood created a low self-esteem and manifested itself into not living a life holy and pleasing to God. I also entered an abusive first marriage. Not making excuses for my choices here, but I now understand better why those things happened.

Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Many have caused their own death, or the death of others, by speaking false or injurious words to someone.

Words can harm and kill a spirit. Words will instill negative self-talk. Words can destroy relationships. Words can be so damaging that a person can never recover from them. Words can be so detrimental that people have taken their own lives.

Matthew 12:35-37 says, “The good person out of his own good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure will bring forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

We will have to account for how we have used our words. And for the here and now, there are several verses in the Bible that state that if you want your prayers answered, you must treat people right.

“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!”

Proverbs 141:3

We’ve all said things we have regretted. We’ve all let things out of our mouth that we wish we could take back. Sometimes we have found ourselves in a situation that has the potential to get out of control. And sometimes we have said things innocently or incorrectly with no malice intended at all and it ended up being taken out of context and it hurt someone. In all these situations, we are left scratching our heads and perplexed, how did we get here?

The school yard was a great teacher for me. I consider the lesson of words as a character builder and count it as a tool in my belt, the reminder. Today, I carefully consider my words and the tone in which they are delivered. I would never want to hurt anyone, especially with words. But it has happened, mostly unintentional, but it has happened.

If we are awake, we are using our words. Social media, email, text, person to person and sometimes we are doing all at the same time! (You know who you are, you multi-tasker, you!) Baring you are not the one intentionally starting the dissension, what can you do if you find yourself in a situation that has the potential to get you sideways with someone.

After spending many years of dealing with the public, where things can go terribly wrong and quickly, I developed three rules for myself to help me keep my mouth in check. (Of course, the Bible is another tool for keeping your mouth in check if you take its warnings seriously on this topic.)

1.      Rule #1. If the other person begins to escalate and is raising their voice, I respond to them in almost a whisper.  This usually deescalates the person because they can’t hear what you are saying, and they want to know.

2.     Rule #2. I refuse to try to rationalize with someone who is irrational. I will simply ask them to calm down or leave. I put distance between us and ask them to come back to the discussion calm, with a clear head, and with a precise and clear request or agenda so that we can speak rationally with one another and come to a conclusion that will meet their needs as best as possible.

3.    Rule #3. I must always remain calm, on the outside. (sometimes my insides get shredded!) If they started the difficult situation, they own the stuff, you don’t. Remain respectful, acknowledge and validate the reason they are upset. Ultimately, they are the owners of their inability to control themselves, so don’t let them get to you. Your ownership in this is to keep yourself under control.

Apologies are never overrated! If you hurt someone with your words, intentional or not, apologize! Some people, because of their past experiences, are extremely paranoid about the words they hear. They read anything and everything negative into a simple statement and they get hurt. Be sensitive to this. Watch responses to your jokes, or your style of slapsticks humor. If you feel that you have offended, apologize!

Children are like sponges and they believe the words that adults have spoken to them. Be careful and be careful of your words when you must deliver a punishment for bad behavior. Children need encouraging positive words and affirmations. Build their character, fill up their souls, help their spirits sore!

I like to encourage and help people to be the very best that they can be. It is joy for me. You will only find inspiration and encouragement in my writings, my web and social media content, sometimes a bit of humor. It is in my being.

I have recently introduced a jewelry and gift line to my branding that speaks to others with words. I have called it “Faith Talks”. Stop by the website, take a look. You can sign up for newsletters, take advantage of FREE downloadable posters, shareable memes, and more!  www.sunnidaiz.com

Many Blessings!

Debra Lee

Author/Speaker

“It Is What It Is” & “Making Wise Choices”